I expect entirely too much out people. I know it. I’m owning it. But regardless of how self-aware I am about this character flaw it still doesn’t change anything. Basically at this point all I can do is just create a mantra of ‘it doesn’t matter.’ Although, no matter how many times I may or may not say it I won’t believe it. Especially now, as I have reached a peak I did not want to climb with my mood stabilizers.
I have arrived after three rounds of different brands of mood stabilizers that I really don’t need that type of medication. I guess I am just a strange human being that is, as my husband puts it, “easily excitable.” The first round made me super irritable and I hated people and life with a passion that made no sense. So we moved onto the next. That one made me apathetic and I cared nothing for anyone. Thus, we moved onto the third. This one, only halfway into the recommended dosage, I am irrationally cantankerous. I find myself getting angry about and over the slightest of things. To give you an idea of the breadth of my insanity: my friend invites another gay to lunch. My friend’s boyfriend (my self-professed blatant lover) plays OUR card game with someone else right in front of me. At the base of these tsunami of emotions I know, KNOW, that I am being irrational, but even with that understanding it does not dispel any of the emotions. And at the base of these thoughts, lies my high expectations from people.
After three trials, I have concluded that I just do not need them. Maybe I do in reality, but after these failed attempts it just doesn’t seem possible to quell my shifting moods. Instead, it seems to roil that constant storm even more than usual. So, I’ll pass on any further suggestions from my doctor; unless he offers anti-anxiety pills. Those I am all over.
So now instead of getting angry I can go back to burying my emotions and hurt deep down. And maybe then I can lower my expectations and not care. Because in an un-medicated state my brain is far more acceptable to suggestion. And maybe, JUST MAYBE, I can find peace in not caring.