My mental hampsters have been hitting the pipe

I want to write but I don’t know what about.  I have the beginnings of some thoughts but nothing that could or would warrant an entire blog entry.  Maybe a tweet, a pathetic tweet, but something that doesn’t require any further explanation.  I’m curious if it has to do with the run I went on this evening.

My husband and I have been doing weight watchers for a year and half.  The first year we made good progress.  We were more active then and really took into consideration what we ate.  But then our trip to London rolled around and that’s when it all started to go down hill.  I think after London, thanksgiving, and Christmas I ended up gaining back 20 lbs of the 30 I had lost.  It was soul crushing.  I suppose one could say that it’s not really that I gained the weight back but how I handled it.  Both my husband and I got right back on the program. 

He’s obsessed with numbers.  He wants large numbers and massive amounts of progress.  Basically he’s impatient.  He wants the results now, not a year or so down the line.  He has a way of discounting any milestones he makes.  For instance, tonight he lost 5 lbs in one week.  That’s amazing.  But instead of just accepting it and his accomplishment he has to pick it apart and figure out what’s wrong with him.  Just take the damn thing, Charles. Jesus.  The man is frustrating.

It should be noted that he is now the weight I was when we started.  And by started I mean the year and a half ago.  Not when we actively restarted.  Since that time I have successfully lost the 11 I had regained.  Much like my husband I’m not really happy with my progress as of late, but that’s not the programs fault.  Every miniscule weight loss or pound gained is my own doing.  I just haven’t been working it as hard as I could and should have. To put it plainly i’m fucking lazy.

Knowing that my husband is only 26 lbs away from me has lit a fire under my ass.  Well… sort of.  It’s a weird thing to have in my mind but I feel that it’s mandatory for me to weigh less than him.  He’s never stated that’s what he wants but that’s just how I feel.  I think it has to do with my self esteem issues.  I think that if he weighs less than me he’ll find someone and ditch me, because I weigh more than him.  It’s a silly thing to think, especially since we’re married, but it’s a fear none-the-less.

I believe part of his big numbers from this weeks weigh in is due in part to his not touching his allocated 49 weekly points AND going for a a jog two nights last week. I know that doesn’t seem like very much, but when you take into consideration that he and I tend to live a very, VERY, sedentary life it becomes more of an accomplishment.  Also, I’m very proud of him for doing it without me.  (I was playing D&D with my friends, so I have an excuse.  Don’t judge.)

Envious of his accomplishments I downloaded the same app he used last week.  It’s called C25K or couch to 5k. Basically it’s a program laid out that gets someone, who tends to sit mostly on the couch, to have the ability to run a 5k in 30 days or some amount of time. (I’m not selling the damn thing.) And If my husband can do all rounds of running then I sure as shit can. So tonight I went for a run and I think that’s why I feel so inclined to write.  I’m just too pumped. Well, that and I was listening to the Erin Brockovich soundtrack by Thomas Newman.  I don’t know what it is about his music…

I hope that this week I can stick to the program.  I too had had the intentions of not dipping into my weeklies but I tossed that baby out with the bathwater.  It just wasn’t going to work.  Even more so due to the fact that I have a tendency of eating my emotions away.  And for the third attempt with mood stabilizers I have come to the same result, I’m an emotional nut case.

Goodnight.

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