Unexpected Thought Provoking Projections

Every person has that one musical artist that they identify with and call their own. Each song they sing sounds like the words from their own heart and they hold that person up as some mystical creature to be cherished. For me it’s Robbie Williams. I know, weird. I came upon him in my most formative days of my youth when I was obsessed with anything and everything British. I so badly wanted to live across the pond and when the music video of an ex-boyband, turned bad boy, showed up in a random cluster of music videos, singing about the “Millennium” I was entranced. I bought his album”The Ego has Landed” and found myself entranced by each track and even a little frightened at times to where his music was taking me. The song “Karma Killer” made me feel so uncomfortable, because it was such a departure from what I had been listening to.  It was dark and curious.

I have followed the man’s musical catalog since then. I even went online and purchased his UK only releases and a great many posters to decorate the wall of my American home with this British singer. He was a god to me. I’ve loved (almost) every one of his albums. (Rudebox was just not my cup of tea.) I have found that since he parted ways with Guy Chambers I haven’t been a slob for his music as I had once been. Now he has to really try to get me rocking out in my car.

His most recent album “The Heavy Entertainment Show” is pretty good. There a few songs that make me go, “meh” but overall I’m belting out each lyric in my car as I speed down the freeway. While I was working today, I chose that one to blare on my car speakers and there are two tracks that he wrote for his children that brought up a topic in my head I couldn’t shake.

The songs are great. The one to his daughter is “Love my Life” and is this beautiful melody that wins me every time. The one for his son is “Motherfucker.” Don’t let the title mislead you. The song is a rock-ish romp about how everyone in his family has a past where they have battled their demons. It’s really good, and it’s super fun to sing “motherfucker.”

The tracks made me realize how parents tend to project these ideas, personalities, personas, and lives onto their children. Before they have truly developed their own identity, Robbie wants his daughter to have a charmed life where she loves every facet of it. That idea in itself is strange because no one, no matter how pampered their life has been, will escape the harsh reality of “human experience.” But I understand the want for your child to find joy. We all want that. But it’s silly to think that’s even achievable.

The other song  is projecting this idea of masculinity or rebelliousness on his son. He very well may be just as rambunctious as his father but then again he may not. It’s interesting to me how he would even consider that as something his son would have to fight, but not his daughter. He even calls his wife crazy in the song as a reason his son will be a “bad motherfucker.” Shouldn’t she have the opportunity to battle the shadows of the past?

I know he meant nothing harmful in these songs. It’s beautiful that he would even write something for them. I just think it brings to light a problem we have as a society.

In addition, this notion was exacerbated for me when a friend of mine posted a set of photos that were “gender reveal” cakes. And on them were the most stereotypical ideals of what it is to be a boy or girl. One was “Lures or Lace” and another was “guns or glitter.” I like none of those things. Do I have no gender identity?

I think we as a collective look at our children to fix the mistakes that we made or expect them to not have any at all. I think it also perpetuates this idea that girls are delicate creatures that bruise at the slightest touch and boys are tough as nails and up for a fight. And it begs the question, do we grow into these stereotypes that our parents project onto us, or are we our authentic selves?

When I look at my own life, I don’t know if my parents had any kind of expectations of me. Other than me being a good person and marrying a woman and having hundreds of babies, there was nothing else they wanted of me. (Boy did I let them down.) They never forced me into sports, they always encouraged my artistic side. They let me develop as I went along.

I know that if my husband and I do adopt (which we better fucking do, goddamnit) I want to make sure they know they can be and do whatever they want. I will hold no other expectation out of them than to respect those that are around them, and to treat others with courtesy, no matter how terrible they find themselves being treated  in return.

I will say, if they don’t love Robbie like I do, I may have to disown them. However, I let my husband’s dislike of him slide. So, what’s one more under the wire?

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By the Power of Meds I Command You, Begone Insanity!

I expect entirely too much out people. I know it. I’m owning it. But regardless of how self-aware I am about this character flaw it still doesn’t change anything. Basically at this point all I can do is just create a mantra of ‘it doesn’t matter.’ Although, no matter how many times I may or may not say it I won’t believe it. Especially now, as I have reached a peak I did not want to climb with my mood stabilizers.

I have arrived after three rounds of different brands of mood stabilizers that I really don’t need that type of medication. I guess I am just a strange human being that is, as my husband puts it, “easily excitable.” The first round made me super irritable and I hated people and life with a passion that made no sense. So we moved onto the next. That one made me apathetic and I cared nothing for anyone. Thus, we moved onto the third. This one, only halfway into the recommended dosage, I am irrationally cantankerous. I find myself getting angry about and over the slightest of things. To give you an idea of the breadth of my insanity: my friend invites another gay to lunch. My friend’s boyfriend (my self-professed blatant lover) plays OUR card game with someone else right in front of me. At the base of these tsunami of emotions I know, KNOW, that I am being irrational, but even with that understanding it does not dispel any of the emotions. And at the base of these thoughts, lies my high expectations from people.

After three trials, I have concluded that I just do not need them. Maybe I do in reality, but after these failed attempts it just doesn’t seem possible to quell my shifting moods. Instead, it seems to roil that constant storm even more than usual. So, I’ll pass on any further suggestions from my doctor; unless he offers anti-anxiety pills. Those I am all over.

So now instead of getting angry I can go back to burying my emotions and hurt deep down. And maybe then I can lower my expectations and not care. Because in an un-medicated state my brain is far more acceptable to suggestion. And maybe, JUST MAYBE, I can find peace in not caring.