A new month is upon is and for me it feels like it’s brought more change than should be allowed, mainly heartache.

I’ve been in a twelve step program for the past five years. I won’t tell you what because we’re not there yet in our relationship. Just know that in this group has been someone who through this time has become very close to me. I’ve thought about him becoming my sponsor once or twice but I can’t deal with any sort of rejection so I always dropped subject. Whether or not, the man has has a profound affect on me.

He’s an older gentleman and as most do he has retired from his job. But what prompted this change wasn’t his desire to spend his days golfing, it’s his grandchildren. They live in the middle America and with his retirement has come a new location to call home. While I am happy for him at the same time I will miss him terribly.

As it turned out his last meeting was yesterday and I missed it because I instead chose to sleep. So I missed my chance to say goodbye. But there is some worth in social networks, he won’t be truly gone. Just the regularity of our visits and his imparted wisdom.

After waking late in the afternoon I had two voicemails on my phone. One of them was my mother calling to inform me of my cousins recent doctors visit. They found a tumor on her colon. As of this moment she has no idea if it’s cancer or not, that will be defined on Wednesday. What we do know is that a month ago she lost her mother, my aunt, to the same thing.

My aunt fought hard for four years, exceeding the doctor’s predicted life expectancy. But right on the heels of her family dealing with that constant agony comes my cousins diagnosis.

This year has this far contained the most gut wrenching, earth splitting, changes that sometimes I wonder if I will make it through unscathed.