Crushing fear

I am terrified. The fear wrenches my gut and I can barely breathe or see straight. Who’d have thought that I still cherished my job this much. Don’t get me wrong. I have loved it, still do, which is evident by my guy telling me I may be losing it. At this point it’s pure conjecture and speculation. I am a super paranoid person and the moment I see a shut door or someone says something in code I get the feeling it’s about me; Which is rather selfish of me when I think about it. Regardless I just feel the rumblings of change. Now. It could be that or it could just be the aftershocks of all the other changes.

My husband informed me that he hasn’t been getting any work as of late and as it stands he owes out more than what’s expected to come in. No bueno. Now I’m paranoid that well be poor again. And with the added stress of possibly losing my job… Well that should explain my terror.

What’s pathetic is I can’t even share my fear with my husband. He’s already panicked with his own situation that it would be severely selfish of me to unload my own fears onto him when I have no true reason for my hunch. (Other than the fact that I HAVE been a shit employee as of late.)

Tonight I turn in early for the simple fact that the weight of my worries has made me weak. And at the same time I go to sleep with the hope that if I do retire earlier maybe that will result in a fresher start for tomorrow.

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