My day began with panic. The night prior I slept from 8 in the evening until 8:45 the next morning all because of my panic about my job. Today I got relief. My boss sent me my yearly review and I got primarily “meets expectations.” And I thought to myself “one doesn’t get fired of they’re fulfilling their expected duties.” So the worry flowed out of my system and I felt better.
Quickly following that was my lunch date with my friend from my 12-step group. After missing him at his last local meeting I inquired to maybe having a midweek meet up and he agreed. It was bitter sweet. It’s strange. I never realized how much he meant to me. Thinking about him no longer attending meetings makes my heart ache and I feel a sense of loneliness. For some strange reason I found a kinship in him. I truly look up to him.
He have me some truly encouraging words at our lunch and I wish I could have done the same. It was at that moment when I realized I really do live in my head. I can pour my heart onto a page (digital or paper) and say exactly what is in my heart. Put the person in front of me and I am at a loss for words.
I thought about that the rest of the day and tried to figure out why I am such a person. I, unlike my friend, am able to put my emotions into words. And I arrived at the conclusion that it’s because I fear rejection. If I put it in words to be read I don’t have to watch that person process them as they come out of my mouth; not to forgett words are better after being processed as opposed to fresh off the vine.
I think I will write him a Facebook message explaining. I am certain he will understand.