Don’t disappoint yourself

I hate letting someone down. I know no one does, I think. There may be some psychos out there with no emotional fear of disappointing but that is certainly not me. Tomorrow it will have to be. 

I was approached by one of my former bosses (I have/had several) and he offered me a job at his firm. At first I had no intention of leaving yet I met with him anyway. After an hour of complimenting me (flattery gets one anywhere with me) I broke down and couldn’t wait to hear what he would offer me to come and join his company. While the hourly rate isn’t what I had expected or wanted I still agreed. I had virtually accepted it when I packed up my desk on Friday evening before I left for the day. 

Monday morning I will give my main boss, my two week notice. I couldn’t be more terrified. My mind has concocted certain scenarios that may play out when I inform him of my decision and not one of them doesn’t involve me crying. Pathetic, right? My biggest worry is that he’ll make me an offer I can’t refuse in an effort to stop me from going to his newly dubbed rival. He has thus far done it twice. (Which makes me worried I am just a pawn in both of their chess game of revenge.) If for some reason he does try to keep me on staff with some over the top promises I don’t know what I will do. Like I said, I’ve already packed up my shit. 

In the end, I know I have to stick to my guns and tell him no. I don’t want to stay at that office anymore. I constantly feel as if i am some kind of joke. In addition I HATE the way the women in the office talk to me as if I am some kind of idiot. It is these things that give me absolute cause to leave. It destroys my ego and I can’t handle it any longer. Yet, by leaving I feel like I am letting down the person who has put up with all of my bull shit over the years. That breaks my heart. 

Ultimately I know he doesn’t give a shit about me. Truly. If he makes any effort to keep me on staff I know it’s because he doesn’t want to lose to my future boss. It has nothing to do with any potential he may see in me. I get the feeling he sees me as a joke just like those other bitches, which is why he hadn’t taken my desire to be a residential appraiser seriously. Which is also my own fault. I want a fresh start with someone who trusts me and sees me as a member of the team and not just a minion. 

In the end someone will be let down, with whatever decision is ultimately made. It just depends on who gets the most scorned, but I have to remember me and my own happiness and growth are the most important. 

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