I am such a paranoid and suspicious person by nature. Whenever anyone young and attractive shows me any attention my immediate response is “what do you want from me?” Or if anyone ends up following me longer than 4 blocks my “logical” response is that they’re after me. (I have had someone legitimately follow me because I had taken a picture of his house for my job.) So, whenever I witness something out of the ordinary, in a pattern, I begin to panic.

My husband, lately, has had balance issues. Bad ones. He’s fallen a few times, one in which gave him a concussion. To me it’s getting worse, but for him it’s getting better. And that deeply concerns me. Primarily because it makes me think of my mother (in the descent of dementia) who will tell me the same thing and I want to respond with “no it definitely is not.”

This trump ramp/water glass thing initiated my husband to remark “he looks like what I have.” And I agree. It does. But it also looks like what happened with my dad. And that ended up killing him because he fell at the wrong place and wrong time.

Another factor that concerns me is that he, his mother, and I have had similar symptoms where we are dizzy or light headed. She had vertigo the other day and I start to get lightheaded if I scroll through my phone too quickly. All of this plays into my paranoia/suspicion that we are all suffering from the same sort of “disease.”

This is where I really put on a tin foil hat and I know that. At least I am aware of how crazy it sounds but I can’t shake the feeling that we’re all suffering from something we’ve contracted. Maybe even my mother. And I include her because she entered this at the snap of the fingers and while she is seeing things and all around kind of kooky at times, her memory is sharp as a tack.

My insanity really jumps out when I think that my husband has had 8 MRIs and still has no diagnosis. But it is VERY obvious that there is something wrong. Unless of course he’s putting on a show, but he isn’t that good of actor nor is he a liar. He’s annoyingly honest at times. So, these symptoms with no diagnosis even though the examination and study has been don’t, is all the more concerning.

This is all just drivel and I’m about 40% serious in what I write, but it’s freaking me out. Everyone I know or love has some sort of physical failing. Especially my close inner circle. (Thankfully they boyfriend doesn’t have similar symptoms.) And all I can ask is “am I next?” (Side note my knee has now started giving away inexplicably. So. Fun.)

There was an article I read once that said that we tend to rewatch movies and tv shows we’ve already seen because there are no unknowns and in that knowledge it brings us a sense of comfort. I subconsciously knew that before I had read the article but it was nice to get confirmation. My whole life I’ve rewatched the shit out of films. I would drive my father crazy with how many times I viewed Jurassic Park or Beauty and the Beast. “How can you watch them so many times?” Because they’re awesome, dad.

Lately things have been rough. For everyone unfortunately. And some more than others. Today I had had enough with twitter. I can’t take all the news, the protests, and the outrage. It’s exhausting. (And I understand that’s coming from a place of privilege.) So, I took a step back today from the social media platform for the foreseeable future or whenever I get the urge to be angry again.

Lately my rage has been off the charts. My husband is scared what it’s doing to me and to him. He’s concerned that I’m a rageaholic and he’s not wrong. I relish the power it gives me, even if it’s fleeting and makes me look and sound insane. I am by nature a control freak. I took that old adage of “if you want something done right…” very seriously to heart. And right now I have NO CONTROL over the world and where it’s going. Everyday it’s something new and more upsetting/terrifying than the moment prior. Twitter, unfortunately, magnifies this, which stands to reason that stepping away lessens its hold.

Tonight as a way of coping I jumped onto Netflix and rewatched one of my all time favorite movies, Clueless. The moment the music of “Kids in America” crescendos through the speakers and I hear the first pieces of Cher’s dialogue I was overcome with peace. I found myself quoting it even though my last rewatch was when I was 14. (I’m 34 btw.) It brought back so many memories of my youth, a time I wish I could go back and recapture.

I was once again hooked.

As the bright neon end credits consumed the screen, to the tune of “Tenderness,” all I wanted to do was watch it again. Immediately. Which I did.

The bizarre thing was, as it started back at the beginning, I began to devise ways to have this movie constantly playing in my orbit, like a slow drip morphine of nostalgia. What I devised was to use my work’s WiFi and just have it playing on my earbuds, as I type up my reports. I’ve seen it so many times that I don’t even have to look at the screen to know what’s goings on. I see the movie in my mind’s eye.

If you’re struggling right now may I recommend taking a moment to watch an old favorite movie or show. Don’t concern yourself with your phone and just sit in the presence of your chosen film and all that comes with it.