I find it quite humorous that after writing a post on how I have this uncanny ability to remember tiny details of memories I have done the opposite. My memory is shit. It is almost as if my brain said, “Oh, is that a problem? Good luck, bitch. I’m out.” Since then I struggle to recall anything. It genuinely sucks and stresses me out like no other. (Well, it’s comprable to the stress I have when I lose my balance.)

The cause of this is trauma. I have mentally and emotionally been through a lot (selling my house, buying the new house, moving, my husband’s ALS, my mom’s alzheimer’s, work, the state of our country) that it’s really my brain trying to protect itself. At least, I hope. Otherwise, this may be permanent and that bothers me.

Last night, my husband told me that I am not present anymore. That whenever I am around I am only half there, the other is somewhere entirely different. Upon my own inspection, he’s right. (He usually is.) Lately, I do drift mentally. At times I will genuinely ask someone something they had just told me. It’s as if my brain heard it, but failed to move it into a permanent file. Other times I’m trying to do multiple things at once and keeping myself from enjoying the present, like when I was playing a game of magic with the boyfriend. I was watching tv, playing on my phone, and playing the game. Even though I won, I don’t really know how or why.

In an effort to combat this “adrift” mental state, I’m going to try and limit doing “too much” all at once. I need to be focused on individual tasks (for the time being.) Maybe then I can get my mind less foggy.

In regards to trauma, I just need to accept that this is life. There is no sense fighting against what is actually happening. There is so much power in acceptance, because then I can focus on the things I do have control over. Standing in place and wishing it all away is wasting precious hours that are better suited for making life bearable.

I need to write more. For a few reasons. One, to keep my skills sharp. Lately even my texts have gotten off and that bothers me like no other. I hate sounding like an idiot.

Two, It keeps me sane. I have been described as a very “cerebral” person and that could not be more on target. Living in my head is my favorite past time. Thinking about everything that is going on in my life ends up turning into toxic sludge which poisons my thoughts and actions. Writing them out extracts all of it and leaves peace

Three, I have a story to tell. not many people do. I use to worry I never did. Maybe that’s why all of this happened. My desire to be “interesting” caused all of those around me to suffer. Which lends credence to the old saying “be careful what you wish for.”

I know that, I didn’t really cause these things to happen (my dad’s death, my mom dying of Alzheimer’s, and my husband dying of ALS). Yet there is also the belief that the words we speak actually effect our lives.

Be careful what you think and feel.

With perseverance I will write more. I have to.

Somewhere along the way I began to doubt myself. My decisions, my beliefs, my wants, my desires. Anything that requires a definitive choice I always second-guess it. Is it the right one? At times it leaves me in limbo and others it keeps me from enjoying something because I spend most of my time wondering if it’s the right one.

My biggest regret in life is that I doubted my want of my husband. For a good length of our relationship I have questioned if this was the right one for me. There were times when I told my doubt to get lost, but for the most part I couldn’t believe. In this fear, I ended up doing and saying things I wish I hadn’t. It kept me from loving as much as I have found is possible. Only now have these feelings left me. And I’m ashamed.

Death makes forces you to look at your life. It makes you make snap decisions that you then have to live with. It also provides clarity. After my husband’s diagnosis any cloudy judgment vanished. I knew what was important. I knew where I needed to be. It’s just now, I have to live with the shame that comes with being so blinded by my inability to make a choice and the second-guessing.

Feeling sure about something is a myth. There is absolutely no certainty in life. You just take leaps and hope you land on your feet. Once you’re in the air there is no turning back. I wish I had understood this then.

I must let these feelings of guilt go or I risk diving into a depression and keeping myself from further enjoying the calm of my realization.

Don’t let yourself question, after the fact.

Evidently, fate decided that I didn’t have enough bullshit going on in my life that it dropped a steaming pile of drama at my doorstep tonight. My besty’s boyfriend went through the entire length of our messages together and took umbrage with an off color joke I made nearly two years ago. Do I remember this comment? Fuck no. But it does track that my mouth would get me into trouble. That has been the theme of my life so far. Granted, it wasn’t my best joke and, most likely, probably my worst, because it had to do with his son who died shortly after birth.

Before you demand my head on a pike, let me explain. First off I have no memory of this conversation. Even now it’s a faint whisp of smoke and I can only recount it to you now via the way she did for me. How it went was when she was explaining everything she liked about this dude (after meeting him, because he went that far back) she had stated he “wanted to have more kids” and I replied “well… not more.” It was unwarranted, cruel and said in the privacy of my friends and my text conversation. Never in a million years would I have thought he would read it, and never EVER would I say such a thing to him, but here we are. Now this young man wants to fight me. He wanted me to drive an hour out of town, to their apartment, so I could apologize to him face to face.

When my friend texted this scenario to me, my immediate response was “yeah I’m not doing that.” I didn’t say that to her. Instead I gave her a ring so she could further explain the whole sordid affair. I was/am furious that I had/have to deal with this. Why did it have to be me? I understand that in reality I don’t have to do shit. I could just say, “this is not my problem, I have enough crazy right now, please sell yours somewhere else,” But in the end I will eat crow and do it because I love her. She loves him. And I hear how this dumbass statement has completely upset her life. He’s furious with her for not defending his dead child, as if I said “good I’m glad his kid is dead,” Or “the kid knew he got a dud, he died to get away,” or “he couldn’t even keep the one, what’s the luck he’s going to keep any others?” See? It could get way worse. Yet I said none of those things in the moment.

What I really want to say to him is that I’m really sorry that your life is either going too well or not bad enough that you LITERALLY went searching for a problem. I’m sorry that you are so hung up on the past that you fail to realize if your son hadn’t died you wouldn’t have the daughter you have now. I would say, I’m sorry that you feel so threatened by my presence that, even though I haven’t seen her in 8 months, you felt compelled to scour through the entire length of our messages together to find this one comment to get furious about. I’m sorry your son was taken from you, but do you know what it’s like to have to be the one to pull your father off of life support because your mother is dying of Alzheimer’s and can’t make that decision? Do you know what it’s fucking like to watch your mother slowly forget how to make a phone call, how to bathe, how to dress herself, how to fucking use the bathroom? Or watch your mother struggle to string together a coherent sentence? Do you know what it’s like to watch your spouse, who used to throw you over his shoulder, struggle to barely hold a fucking cellphone?! Do you know what it’s like to hear your lover talk about how he just wants to die because he doesn’t want to be a burden to you? And do you know what it’s like to deal with it all at the same fucking time? I would never, ever, EVER wish the death of a child on anyone. But just be fucking glad that you can make kid after kid to watch you and care for you in your old age, when I’ll be lucky if my niece and nephew in-laws remember me when their uncle has gone. I’m sorry you haven’t gotten over the trauma of losing a child, but instead of picking a literal fight with someone who isn’t even present in your life, who you have met and spoken to TWICE, maybe get some therapy. Deal with your grief. Stop projecting. But most of all, learn to take a fucking joke.

Will I say any of this to him? No. Not a word. I will talk to him, on the phone, and apologize. There are things I have no control over and instead of fighting I’d rather just say “I’m sorry” and move the fuck on. I have bigger things to deal with than the fallout of some dumb comment I have absolutely no memory of making. And that apology will be more than enough because, in the end, this drama is not my problem.