I find it quite humorous that after writing a post on how I have this uncanny ability to remember tiny details of memories I have done the opposite. My memory is shit. It is almost as if my brain said, “Oh, is that a problem? Good luck, bitch. I’m out.” Since then I struggle to recall anything. It genuinely sucks and stresses me out like no other. (Well, it’s comprable to the stress I have when I lose my balance.)
The cause of this is trauma. I have mentally and emotionally been through a lot (selling my house, buying the new house, moving, my husband’s ALS, my mom’s alzheimer’s, work, the state of our country) that it’s really my brain trying to protect itself. At least, I hope. Otherwise, this may be permanent and that bothers me.
Last night, my husband told me that I am not present anymore. That whenever I am around I am only half there, the other is somewhere entirely different. Upon my own inspection, he’s right. (He usually is.) Lately, I do drift mentally. At times I will genuinely ask someone something they had just told me. It’s as if my brain heard it, but failed to move it into a permanent file. Other times I’m trying to do multiple things at once and keeping myself from enjoying the present, like when I was playing a game of magic with the boyfriend. I was watching tv, playing on my phone, and playing the game. Even though I won, I don’t really know how or why.
In an effort to combat this “adrift” mental state, I’m going to try and limit doing “too much” all at once. I need to be focused on individual tasks (for the time being.) Maybe then I can get my mind less foggy.
In regards to trauma, I just need to accept that this is life. There is no sense fighting against what is actually happening. There is so much power in acceptance, because then I can focus on the things I do have control over. Standing in place and wishing it all away is wasting precious hours that are better suited for making life bearable.
