I hate that my mind and body (and life) realized so much on on two little pills. Laying on top of each other, behind that orange plastic, they don’t look like anything much. Just from looks, they’re as useless as a box of tic-tacs. (Btw it took me five tries just to type tacs.) if I don’t take them I’m basically on edge at all times and unpredictable. Just the panic at the thought of the possibilities of what might happen if I don’t take these insignificant compressed powders, is reason enough. Yet, I fight the process. In some messed up part of my brain comes the message that by taking them I am weak. I am somehow less than human. That I am broken.
Throwing in the pen
Just a week ago I admitted to myself that I’m not a writer, nor do I want to be one. It took me. Long time to realize that fact. I’ve fought with it for some time and finally I broke. The one thing that makes one a writer is to do just that, write. Mouthing the words and having the best of intentions doesn’t make one a literary elite.
I’ve been plotting, planning, revising a work of fiction since 2010 when I completed the first draft of the manuscript. However with all of that I did very little work. Inevitably I ended up frustrated when I even attempted because at that point I had put so much pressure on myself to accomplish my goal. My life began to unravel and one expectation after another weighed me down until I begAn to make bad decisions. After realizing that fact I knew what I had to do. I gave up and admitted defeat.
The funny thing is, I’ve probably written more in the past week than I have since 2010. So, who fucking knows. However what I do understand is I am not a writer. I’m not going to be one and I do not want to.
May the Buddha be with you
For reasons I cannot explain I am searching for a faith. Being raised Christian I cannot and will not return to it, due to those that use it in the name of cruelty. For a brief moment I researched Druidism but found that my preconceived notions of it were all wrong. Basically it was a rehash of Wiccan and that is most certainly not for me. Now I am looking into Buddhism by way of a book titled “The Dharma of Star Wars.”
My husbands scoffs that it’s a joke and I shouldn’t be choosing a faith off of a fictitious group of people. While he is right he is also wrong. What the book does is give comparisons to create understanding for a faith that may be difficult to understand. So far I am intrigued and while I love Star Wars (a lot, btw) this dude overused the examples to a degree that I would rather him just discuss the theories and beliefs of Buddhism. It’s a fun read and only reaffirms my desire to investigate it further.
I think my desire for faith comes from the step I am currently working on in sex addicts anonymous. I’m currently on 2 and have been there for some time. It’s the one where you find a higher power. Like I said previously Christianity left a sour taste in my mouth and I will never return. Along with the faith is the Christian God. The lack of any real higher power working more closely with the world proves to me that there isn’t one. However to continue in the program I need a higher power. For lack of one I have chosen the energy of the earth/universe/life that is a form far beyond my comprehension that doesn’t deal with man directly because we do not operate on the same level. After doing the worksheet my sponsor gave me I came to this very conclusion. To further the distance between the higher power of my understanding and the God of my youth, I think the higher power I’ve chosen has no form or gender. It is everything and everywhere. Jokingly I refer to it as “the force” because that’s what it feels like I am describing. That is why I think I am drawn to Buddhism and discovering the book only reaffirms that notion.
I’m 30, ladies and gentlemen!
Molly Shannon’s character embodies precisely how I feel. However Sally O’malley was proud of being half a century I am a little distraught about being one third of that time. In the beginning I didn’t know where this fear came from, but the more I thought about it that the reality came to light.
The simple answer is I’m no longer a kid. I am an adult and getting older. There is no denying that fact. Scratch below the surface and there is the remnants of dreams long since gone. The hope that I would have accomplished so much more by the time I was this age. Yet that is very much not the case and instead my life is just beginning. I wasted the youth I had doing nothing productive. Fuck me.
Then below that fossilized failure there is the granite of where now no one will want to fuck me. Yes I am married so that shouldn’t be a problem, but everyone wants to at least be wanted by someone else. She wants to feel attracted and desired. In the gay world once you’re thirty you may as well be dead. Just a quick look through a craigslist ad and you’ll see that top billing among “no chubs” and “no Fems” there is “only under 30.” What hurts the most is the poster is more than likely in their fucking forties so who are they to cast that stone?
When I was in my younger years I never understood why people were so upset about turning 30. They were still the same in every way. The only change was that the number was different. That is very typically a “Josh” response. I have half empathy where I can sort of see the other side but not quite. It isn’t until I have experienced the same agony and pain do I know what it is like to be consumed.
Now that it is just a fact that I am 30, I still feel the same. I’m still the same person with the same desires. There is no difference other than my response when asked my age. And no one will want to fuck me from a personal ad but I shouldn’t be there in the first place. Fuck them and their conceited posts. No one wants to fuck them either. That’s why they are so desperate their posting ads on Craigslist! They might as well be posting it in Parade magazine or on that one wall in every porn shop.
As to not achieving my goals… After some reflection I realized that it is ultimately my own fault for where I am. There is only one captain on the SS DRAMA QUEEN and that is Josh. No one else calls the shots. Instead of feeling bad about it I will change it and put engines to full steam ahead. The only way to change tomorrow is by changing today.
Finally, I am an adult. Yes. I am worthy of the title by age alone. But however old I am I still act like a kid. I had a Star Wars birthday cake for christs sake. (My mother in law knows me well.) I read comics, I play nerdy card games, I play D&D, and I WILL be one of those nerds that is dressed like a Jedi when Episode VII premieres in December. It’s all state of mind and if I let the fear and panic consume me those are just going to bring down the ship.
Now is the time to get serious. My twenties were for fun, making new friends, and having unforgettable experiences that only a dumb twenty something would do. However fleeting life is (and it is fucking short) I still have enough time to become a journalist, a published novelist, an appraiser, and a father. It is all up to me.
The Journal of a Jaded Josh 