January 11, 2016

May the Buddha be with you

For reasons I cannot explain I am searching for a faith. Being raised Christian I cannot and will not return to it, due to those that use it in the name of cruelty. For a brief moment I researched Druidism but found that my preconceived notions of it were all wrong. Basically it was a rehash of Wiccan and that is most certainly not for me. Now I am looking into Buddhism by way of a book titled “The Dharma of Star Wars.” 

My husbands scoffs that it’s a joke and I shouldn’t be choosing a faith off of a fictitious group of people. While he is right he is also wrong. What the book does is give comparisons to create understanding for a faith that may be difficult to understand. So far I am intrigued and while I love Star Wars (a lot, btw) this dude overused the examples to a degree that I would rather him just discuss the theories and beliefs of Buddhism. It’s a fun read and only reaffirms my desire to investigate it further. 

I think my desire for faith comes from the step I am currently working on in sex addicts anonymous. I’m currently on 2 and have been there for some time. It’s the one where you find a higher power. Like I said previously Christianity left a sour taste in my mouth and I will never return. Along with the faith is the Christian God. The lack of any real higher power working more closely with the world proves to me that there isn’t one. However to continue in the program I need a higher power. For lack of one I have chosen the energy of the earth/universe/life that is a form far beyond my comprehension that doesn’t deal with man directly because we do not operate on the same level. After doing the worksheet my sponsor gave me I came to this very conclusion. To further the distance between the higher power of my understanding and the God of my youth, I think the higher power I’ve chosen has no form or gender. It is everything and everywhere. Jokingly I refer to it as “the force” because that’s what it feels like I am describing. That is why I think I am drawn to Buddhism and discovering the book only reaffirms that notion. 

November 5, 2015

I’m 30, ladies and gentlemen!

Molly Shannon’s character embodies precisely how I feel. However Sally O’malley was proud of being half a century I am a little distraught about being one third of that time. In the beginning I didn’t know where this fear came from, but the more I thought about it that the reality came to light. 

The simple answer is I’m no longer a kid. I am an adult and getting older. There is no denying that fact. Scratch below the surface and there is the remnants of dreams long since gone. The hope that I would have accomplished so much more by the time I was this age. Yet that is very much not the case and instead my life is just beginning. I wasted the youth I had doing nothing productive. Fuck me. 

Then below that fossilized failure there is the granite of where now no one will want to fuck me. Yes I am married so that shouldn’t be a problem, but everyone wants to at least be wanted by someone else. She wants to feel attracted and desired. In the gay world once you’re thirty you may as well be dead. Just a quick look through a craigslist ad and you’ll see that top billing among “no chubs” and “no Fems” there is “only under 30.” What hurts the most is the poster is more than likely in their fucking forties so who are they to cast that stone? 

When I was in my younger years I never understood why people were so upset about turning 30. They were still the same in every way. The only change was that the number was different. That is very typically a “Josh” response. I have half empathy where I can sort of see the other side but not quite. It isn’t until I have experienced the same agony and pain do I know what it is like to be consumed. 

Now that it is just a fact that I am 30, I still feel the same. I’m still the same person with the same desires. There is no difference other than my response when asked my age. And no one will want to fuck me from a personal ad but I shouldn’t be there in the first place. Fuck them and their conceited posts. No one wants to fuck them either. That’s why they are so desperate their posting ads on Craigslist! They might as well be posting it in Parade magazine or on that one wall in every porn shop. 

As to not achieving my goals… After some reflection I realized that it is ultimately my own fault for where I am. There is only one captain on the SS DRAMA QUEEN and that is Josh. No one else calls the shots. Instead of feeling bad about it I will change it and put engines to full steam ahead. The only way to change tomorrow is by changing today. 

Finally, I am an adult. Yes. I am worthy of the title by age alone. But however old I am I still act like a kid. I had a Star Wars birthday cake for christs sake. (My mother in law knows me well.) I read comics, I play nerdy card games, I play D&D, and I WILL be one of those nerds that is dressed like a Jedi when Episode VII premieres in December. It’s all state of mind and if I let the fear and panic consume me those are just going to bring down the ship. 

Now is the time to get serious. My twenties were for fun, making new friends, and having unforgettable experiences that only a dumb twenty something would do. However fleeting life is (and it is fucking short) I still have enough time to become a journalist, a published novelist, an appraiser, and a father. It is all up to me. 

October 12, 2015

The news just arrived at my desk that one of the women in my office is leaving. At first I was very sad to see her go (and still am) but now I am very happy for her. She is originally from the UK and she has grown weary of the states (and I do not blame her) and she is returning home after 30 years in California. Come to find out, she and her husband split up but as of right now are still living together. Boy, do I know that song and dance well. So instead of finding a home here she is moving away. 

I am so terribly jealous. I want to move more than I need air. I’m sure I would miss California (sunshine alone) but I don’t feel like I belong here. London felt more like home to me than any place I have been to before. The thought has crossed my mind of just immigrating but then I’d constantly be living in fear of being deported. In addition I don’t even know how I would do it to be quite honest. I don’t know how anyone would even dream of attempting it the thought is so scary. 

Two years in a row the husband and I took a trip to London. This year we will not and it feels strange. My heart aches for something I hardly know. 

September 9, 2015

Case study 

I think I’m in a downward spiral in regards to my depression. For the last month or more I have been doing quite well. Or at least it felt as so, yet for some reason I feel like a switch was triggered in my brain and that has all gone. The lights are on and I can see all the ugly truth. It is this reality that has forced me to rethink everything and thus made me seriously depressed. I should probably go back on my meds but… I felt like it kept me from feeling. In a good and bad way, of course. 

He logical thought would be to start back on them but I’m willing to ride this until I hit the ground. Or I will catch and updraft and start flying high again. In truth this could just be a natural mood change and because I don’t know how to handle anything but joy I automatically run to “its my depression.” That could just be what the problem is or it could be manufactured from all the time being told I’m a “downer” or that I suffer from clinical depression. How can one gauge the truth when they’ve been told one thing for so long? 

I will keep an eye on it but it’s weird how I felt this shift so suddenly. I really was doing just fine and something happened, what I don’t know, and it’s been different. I wonder if it’s because I have stretched myself so thin that it’s made me tired and thus made me moodier than usual. Good for thought.