charlie

February 12, 2025

Notes From the “Other Side”

Well… Yesterday was sure “fun!”

I ended up leaving work early for a mental health break. I cloistered myself on my BF’s couch, pillow over my head, and listened to the muffled dialogue of Golden Girls while trying to sleep. As time wore on I started to feel better and was at least able to have a normal conversation that wasn’t laced with conspiracy theory or paranoia. It’s weird being an observer within my own mind. Sometimes the crazy person gets control and I just have to watch as all of this plays out, completely out of my control. (Sound vaguely familiar? Oh, the irony.)

At least I have my self-awareness to keep me humble. That was a gift my husband gave me. He asked me so many questions about my feelings and thoughts that it triggered this process in my brain. The only downside is that I question everything I do. Which is fine… as long as it doesn’t keep me from living life. This level of self-awareness can be crippling.

But… so can mania.

Luckily I have two people in my life that can act like Charlie. The BF even told me he started talking to him yesterday morning asking him what to do. That was really touching. Even if it was regarding my “episode.”

What stood out to me were two things that happened before and after this manic episode.

After I had already gone to the bank to get out money (Y’know… for when banking collapses because the government coup has already happened) I woke up my brother and told him how I thought I was having a psychotic episode. Right then, the Woody doll I have propped up next to my husband’s urn (and is a representation of him) talked of it’s own volition. In my mania I thought it was Charlie agreeing with me but I think it was him saying “calm down, dear.”

Then last night I dreamed of him, which hasn’t happened since he passed away. Tony has had more than a fair share, but his tend to be Charlie without his wheelchair and mine was him in it. So, I wonder if he doesn’t visit me because I put him in it… Anyway! In my dream, he and Tony were returning from a long road trip and I was so excited to see him that I ran to him and covered his face in kisses to annoy him.

It was wonderful… even if some parts of it were also stressful and totally unrelated to Charlie. I enjoyed having him back for a little bit. However brief it was.

Today is 10 months since he left. I thought it was 9 but I did my math wrong… as usual. In both instances, it feels like it was just yesterday and at the same time like it happened ages ago. Regardless my want of him has not diminished. In fact, it has just grown.

May 2, 2024

Memories and Missed Opportunities

Last night was strange…

I went to bed and in the midst of my mumbling thoughts I started to think about the most random of memories of my husband. Little things, like when I would kiss his neck or the way he would tap his glass as he would take a drink. Then in morphed into thinking of our final day together.

He woke up and was madly messaging all of the people he’s been corresponding with these past few months. Then when he finally got up we watched The Birdcage. For the life of me I can’t even remember what else we watched. I had wanted us to bookend everything with a re-watch of Philadelphia but from behind his mask he firmly said no.

Once it got close to time, we retired to the bedroom and set up chairs all around the bed. We watched an episode of Taskmaster until the nurse got there. She wrote out the instructions to administer the drugs and split. (Which was not the plan by the way, but that is a blog post for another time.)

At 5:30 we took off his mask and waited. Almost exactly 6 hours later he was gone.

I replayed this over and over last night… Thinking of him lying in bed afterwards, there but not. He looked so peaceful. I would go in there and check on him, brush his hair. I could hear his voice screaming in my head “Josh, that is so weird. That’s a dead body. Gross.”

These memories made me miss him so much. I started to cry but stopped myself because I didn’t want to wake up Tony.

Last night I dreamed of Charlie and I adopting a child. We were asking my parents questions about what we would need and they were excited to meet their grandchild. It was such a lovely dream that I didn’t want to wake up. I got to have my family back for a very brief moment of time.

Charlie had said one time that he would be willing to have kids if we adopted. At the time I didn’t want that, I’d rather have a biological child of my own, but I figured if he was willing to meet me halfway I should too. Shortly after his tune changed and he didn’t want kids. This would be the pattern over the course of our relationship, mostly because we had yet to find our groove. We didn’t know what made us work and how to accommodate our shortcomings. By the time we had figured them out and became a stronger couple, we were in the midst of having an open relationship and he wouldn’t want to bring a child into that. Which is a fair assessment.

Then he was diagnosed with ALS.

In hindsight I am glad we never brought children into our relationship. It would have made everything exceptionally difficult, especially once I had to raise them and take care of Charlie all while trying to process my and our child’s grief. Maddening.

I think Charlie would have been an amazing dad. He was so patient and kind. They also would have been fucking spoiled. I know it. Between him and my parents… the kid would have never wanted for anything.

The thought of adopting now just breaks my heart. They would never get to know one of the greatest people of my life. Charlie would be some myth or legend, yet the reality would be so much more.

I’m glad I at least got to feel it in a dream.