Aspiring Novelist

January 12, 2016

Throwing in the pen

Just a week ago I admitted to myself that I’m not a writer, nor do I want to be one. It took me. Long time to realize that fact. I’ve fought with it for some time and finally I broke. The one thing that makes one a writer is to do just that, write. Mouthing the words and having the best of intentions doesn’t make one a literary elite. 

I’ve been plotting, planning, revising a work of fiction since 2010 when I completed the first draft of the manuscript. However with all of that I did very little work. Inevitably I ended up frustrated when I even attempted because at that point I had put so much pressure on myself to accomplish my goal. My life began to unravel and one expectation after another weighed me down until I begAn to make bad decisions. After realizing that fact I knew what I had to do.  I gave up and admitted defeat. 

The funny thing is, I’ve probably written more in the past week than I have since 2010. So, who fucking knows. However what I do understand is I am not a writer. I’m not going to be one and I do not want to.

January 11, 2016

May the Buddha be with you

For reasons I cannot explain I am searching for a faith. Being raised Christian I cannot and will not return to it, due to those that use it in the name of cruelty. For a brief moment I researched Druidism but found that my preconceived notions of it were all wrong. Basically it was a rehash of Wiccan and that is most certainly not for me. Now I am looking into Buddhism by way of a book titled “The Dharma of Star Wars.” 

My husbands scoffs that it’s a joke and I shouldn’t be choosing a faith off of a fictitious group of people. While he is right he is also wrong. What the book does is give comparisons to create understanding for a faith that may be difficult to understand. So far I am intrigued and while I love Star Wars (a lot, btw) this dude overused the examples to a degree that I would rather him just discuss the theories and beliefs of Buddhism. It’s a fun read and only reaffirms my desire to investigate it further. 

I think my desire for faith comes from the step I am currently working on in sex addicts anonymous. I’m currently on 2 and have been there for some time. It’s the one where you find a higher power. Like I said previously Christianity left a sour taste in my mouth and I will never return. Along with the faith is the Christian God. The lack of any real higher power working more closely with the world proves to me that there isn’t one. However to continue in the program I need a higher power. For lack of one I have chosen the energy of the earth/universe/life that is a form far beyond my comprehension that doesn’t deal with man directly because we do not operate on the same level. After doing the worksheet my sponsor gave me I came to this very conclusion. To further the distance between the higher power of my understanding and the God of my youth, I think the higher power I’ve chosen has no form or gender. It is everything and everywhere. Jokingly I refer to it as “the force” because that’s what it feels like I am describing. That is why I think I am drawn to Buddhism and discovering the book only reaffirms that notion. 

January 7, 2015

Ambition Drought

A Year of Writing Prompts by Brian A. Klems & Zachary Petit
January 6
I will consider myself successful when…
“Finish this sentence: As a writer, I will consider myself successful when…”

This very questions has crossed my mind so many times over the years. When I was younger I used to think that I will be successful when I have a New York Time No. 1 bestseller. When you dream, you’re supposed to go big, right? No? Well, as time has gone on I’ve discovered how hard it is to just finish a novel. When I say finish I mean a first draft, followed by edit after edits, and with some final spit and polish. This thing should fucking gleam in the sunlight. That way when the agent opens it to read my manuscript they’re immediately blinded and I become their only client.

I’ve participated in NaNoWriMo a couple years. Only the first though did I actually try and succeed. I even spilled into December and finished it on the 6th. I was so very proud of myself. Now I’ve been pouring over it ever since. I finished that one at the tail end of 2009. Or maybe it was 2010… Regardless I have spent entirely too much time pondering the plot lines and if it’s good enough that I have written myself into a corner and fear taking a step out of it. I imagine that has happened to so many before me. I’m sure it’s what keeps others from even attempting at all. That’s just the nature of the beast and some artists are just not well equipped to handle the pressure that comes with trying to make a business out of their art.

At one time I thought success would be to get a book published. Then I lowered that bar to getting and agent… And at some point I settled for just finishing my book.

The infuriating thing is that I know I can do it. I can finish my book and submit it to agents. There is no doubt in my mind. I have the capability and drive to get me there. It’s just my inner critic, my doubt, my fear, that keeps me stationary.

Once a polished manuscript sits in my hands, only then, will I consider myself successful. It means I have pushed through my worst obstacle, myself.

January 6, 2015

Half-Assed but Witty. I think.

So… I already know what I’m going to write. I saw the prompt a couple hours ago when I had intended on writing (but didn’t of course) and have been mulling it over in my head ever since.  And what I came up with I am rather proud of my lazy self.  So, here it goes…

A Year of Writing Prompts by Brian A Klems & Zachary Petit
January 5
Power Outage
Storms have knocked out the power.  You find the flashlight and make shadow bunnies on the wall, but you can tell the kids are not amused.  So instead you decide to tell a scary story.  Create a story that would scare even the toughest of teenagers.

“Guess what kids,” Gary said, “I heard rumblings that a hacker has wormed his way into the power grid and this is permanent!”

Gary’stwo teenage sons, Ryan and Travis, pick themselves up off of the couch and head into the other room.

“Just you wait and see.”

Little did they know how right their father was, and four days without electricity, and no way to check their e-mail, facebook, twitter, instagram, or without the ability to text, their eyeballs bled out and they wasted away until their skin was taut across their bones.

As Gary laid his kids to the earth behind their suburban home, the air still thick with smoke, he said, “I told you, you sonsabitches.”