College Freshman

December 7, 2014

Weed be gone!

I am torn. For as long as I can remember understanding what pot, weed, marijuana, is and used for I have had no inclination to try. In fact I have always wanted to stay away from it because I always respected my mother and her ability to say “I’ve never tried pot.” I don’t know why that meant something to me. Maybe it’s because with all of the social pressure and standing against the stream made me respect her. When I think about it now she probably never had any opportunities due to the fact she was VERY religious and her whole youth was either church or family. So her social circle was pretty fucking small.

As I’ve gotten older (and have mentioned on previous posts) I find my friends to mean more to me than family. I think it stems from wanting what I can’t have. I am notorious for feeling that way. It’s really bad. And now one of my friend who I treasure more than most and means so much to me, used to feel the same about weed as I had. But it appears that this is no longer the case for him. And now I find my own perception faltering.

My husband has said that my opinion changed because my last hold out companion changed his tune and now I have to follow the flock. And… He’s right.

It’s funny to me that I went all through my teenage years being bombarded with warnings of “peer pressure” and never once did I experience it. Not fucking once. Get into my late twenties and I have had another close friend push drugs into me. (I say drugs because that’s what they refer to them as. No joke.)

In the end I find my perspective changing. Maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe I’ve built it up in my head to be something else entirely. Maybe I devoured the anti-drug propaganda so much that it has destroyed every ounce of free will. I don’t know. All I know is… I feel pressured to do something I’ve fought so long not to do. And yes, weed isn’t bad. It’s nowhere near the other harmful things that destroy your mind and body. I get it. Weed is barely a blip in the radar. For me it’s about the principle and obviously they’re failing.

November 18, 2014

Night time epiphany

So I have returned from the most fantastic two weeks in London and I feel I have returned a different man. I can’t quite put my finger on it but I feel unlike the boy that had gone. Maybe it’s because while I was there I got another year older or possibly I just changed.

For the first time in a long while I feel that I have once again come to my path of destiny. It is calling me and I must heed it’s song. When I say this I mean my want and desire to be a published writer. During the course of my trip I took a sojourn to the grave site of my hero and since then I feel that I have gained something very significant. Again, I don’t quite know what it is yet but I can feel it in my heart.

I am not meant for this town. I am not meant for this mundane existence of work. I know that I have something far greater waiting in the wings. The only thing is I have to seize it. Just saying these things will not achieve them. I have to work for them. I have to be confident in myself and what I can do.

By this time next year I will be done with my book. I know I will.

November 14, 2014

I’m so sick of hearing/reading “it’s against my religious beliefs.” Fuck you.

I’m broken. I know I am. I have this absolute need to be completely accepted and loved/liked by everyone. The thing I know but have yet to grasp is that will not under any circumstance happen. It’s impossible. And whether they like me or not does not guarantee I will like them in return and I probably won’t. (Just kidding.)(maybe)

I bring this up cause last weeks topic for my Human Sexuality class was about the LGBT community. And per usual we were required to have a “discussion” on the weeks topic, which consists of listing the required media and our personal views on the topic. Let’s just say the posts were… Uh… Well, they were colorful. They brought up a time in my life that made me more miserable than I care to mention. But it was because of my undying need to be loved and accepted by everyone.

I broke down and responded to one of the hate filled posts. I know I shouldn’t have but… Fuck it was like someone punched me in the gut it was just so hateful! It’s amazing how behind a keyboard and people can and will say anything. I find it impossible to believe that these same people would have made these comments in an actual classroom. In fact I think they would have said nothing. You know why? They’d be embarrassed because in some corner of themselves they know they’re full of shit and an all around terrible person.

March 25, 2014

Thoughts are buzzards and my brain a carcass

Obsession fuels my every thought.  Any and all action I do comes from the constant nagging at the back of my mind about some topic.  For instance, recently, I have been obsessed on the decision of whether to ditch my iPhone and get the Nokia 1520.  After some repetitive thoughts and madness I have finally concluded that I will move on to the Nokia.  I’ve had the iPhone for so long and I just want a change. 

I used to be a nokia only man.  I had the 3300 back in the day.  You know, the big grey bar thing with the green lit screen?  Yeah, that one.  Fucking loved the thing.  The first time I ever ventured out of the nokia realm was to attempt a go at the Pink Motorolla phone and that lasted about a day before I ditched it altogether.  I may be proud of my gay agenda but I do draw a line.  Plus it didn’t really fit me.  So I returned the phone and back into the arms of my Finish company.  I thought they made a good product.  It wasn’t until the iPhone came along that I dropped nokia and went over to apple.  And I was happy.  Still am as a matter of fact. I don’t see anything wrong with the iPhone.  It does what it’s meant to do. Well.

Besides annoying myself with my own obsessive thoughts I’ve dragged my husband into them also.  He doesn’t quite understand where this obsession stems from, other than the fact that I invested in Microsoft stock and since have been hitching my horse to their wagon; besides that I have come to the conclusion that if I happen to have the Nokia 1520, that comes with office preinstalled, I will have no more excuses to why my novel isn’t finished or even being worked on.  The hubby doesn’t seem to buy it and doesn’t think I’ll use it for that at all.  And he may be right, but then again he may be wrong. 

Speaking of writing, I don’t know if I blogged it here or not (I have so many different sites for expression) but I came up with a new plan of attack for my novel.  Because as I thought of my inactivity and fear I worked backward to see where they stemmed from and discovered it could just be due to the fact that I am overwhelmed with the size of the project.  It’s a huge undertaking.  As of right now my manuscript (untouched of course) stands at a little over 60,000 words.  That’s a lot.  And when I sit to begin editing I think of how huge the document is and panic.  Then I have a nervous breakdown and stop working on it completely.  (No me gusta.)  So I have resolved to work on a single chapter at a time.  I’m not going to worry about what comes after, or what follows in the next 20 chapters.  Oh no.  I am going to work on one at a time to reignite the fire.  And the beauty of my plan is that I have attempted to work on it from the start multiple times and have gotten to the point that the first few chapters are rather smooth going.  (It’ll just be a pain in the later scenes.)

Even though I discovered that brilliant plan it has, of course, languished.  I don’t know what it is but the moment I get home I am EXHAUSTED.  I have next to no motivation (despite my burning desire to be published) and instead watch television or something equally as dumb. So I looked at the problem and attempted to fix it.  My next plan, to benefit the first, is to return to the days of when I spent my lunch hour working on my novel.  I would sit at some corner of the Carl’s Jr. around the corner off my office and perfect my writing.  It was nice to be out of an area that doesn’t offer wi-fi thus decreasing my chances of distractions. Plus, the fast food joint is no real hot-bed of activity so no one goes there.  It works for me and says so much of my personality.  Everyone does the coffee house.  And I find that they’re even more distracting.  The grinding of the coffee, people constantly coming in and out, or the loud conversation.  How anyone writes in a Starbucks or it’s equivalent is beyond me. 

SO! Tomorrow I will be getting up early, to get to work on time, so that I can take a lunch and work on my novel.  I will do this.  I can do this. The only one holding me back is me.   And if that doesn’t work I have my upgrade to the Nokia 1520 to look forward to at the end of April.  And maybe then I’ll stop talking about it and do it.

P.S. how is it that wordpress has an effing blackberry app but not a windows phone app?  I mean… talk about a waste of time… No one uses a blackberry anymore.  Get on it WordPress!