My day began with panic. The night prior I slept from 8 in the evening until 8:45 the next morning all because of my panic about my job. Today I got relief. My boss sent me my yearly review and I got primarily “meets expectations.” And I thought to myself “one doesn’t get fired of they’re fulfilling their expected duties.” So the worry flowed out of my system and I felt better.

Quickly following that was my lunch date with my friend from my 12-step group. After missing him at his last local meeting I inquired to maybe having a midweek meet up and he agreed. It was bitter sweet. It’s strange. I never realized how much he meant to me. Thinking about him no longer attending meetings makes my heart ache and I feel a sense of loneliness. For some strange reason I found a kinship in him. I truly look up to him.

He have me some truly encouraging words at our lunch and I wish I could have done the same. It was at that moment when I realized I really do live in my head. I can pour my heart onto a page (digital or paper) and say exactly what is in my heart. Put the person in front of me and I am at a loss for words.

I thought about that the rest of the day and tried to figure out why I am such a person. I, unlike my friend, am able to put my emotions into words. And I arrived at the conclusion that it’s because I fear rejection. If I put it in words to be read I don’t have to watch that person process them as they come out of my mouth; not to forgett words are better after being processed as opposed to fresh off the vine.

I think I will write him a Facebook message explaining. I am certain he will understand.

I am terrified. The fear wrenches my gut and I can barely breathe or see straight. Who’d have thought that I still cherished my job this much. Don’t get me wrong. I have loved it, still do, which is evident by my guy telling me I may be losing it. At this point it’s pure conjecture and speculation. I am a super paranoid person and the moment I see a shut door or someone says something in code I get the feeling it’s about me; Which is rather selfish of me when I think about it. Regardless I just feel the rumblings of change. Now. It could be that or it could just be the aftershocks of all the other changes.

My husband informed me that he hasn’t been getting any work as of late and as it stands he owes out more than what’s expected to come in. No bueno. Now I’m paranoid that well be poor again. And with the added stress of possibly losing my job… Well that should explain my terror.

What’s pathetic is I can’t even share my fear with my husband. He’s already panicked with his own situation that it would be severely selfish of me to unload my own fears onto him when I have no true reason for my hunch. (Other than the fact that I HAVE been a shit employee as of late.)

Tonight I turn in early for the simple fact that the weight of my worries has made me weak. And at the same time I go to sleep with the hope that if I do retire earlier maybe that will result in a fresher start for tomorrow.

Life is cyclical, coming back around to the same story we saw before.  I remember the time that my husband and I were so poor that we would sit in the dark, covered in blankets (because blankets were free and heat was not) and watch basic cable.  Eventually it got to where we had to move in with my parents because I barely made above minimum wage, his business wasn’t taking off, and our credit card debt was so bad that even making the minimum payment would cause us to still go over limit and result in more fees.

Now, granted this isn’t the same.  I’m making more than enough.  I can pay my bills… and our house payment is lower than our rent ever was.  So that time before isn’t truly a good example of life being cyclical.  I guess the similarity lies in how I feel.  The panic… the nervous energy.  I’m also frightened that this path will lead us to the same spot as before, but who knows where life will take you.  It’s a cheesy line but I love it: “If you want to make God laugh make plans.”

My husband told me he was shutting down his office.  At first I panicked, I assumed he meant his business, but that was me being over dramatic and jumping to conclusions.  What he meant when he said he was “shutting down his office” is exactly that.  Just goes to show how man to man, man to woman, what have you, people interpret words and sentences differently. 

Where I see him moving back into the home office is a good idea, at the same time I always have.  He wanted to be a legit business and I can’t blame him for that.  And working out of your home doesn’t have that same image as driving up to an office complex. 

In reality, none of this really affects me.  It is all reflection of where we have been, where we have gone, and where we will go next.  I worry that we may end up in the dark again, but, even if that were the case, I can at least make our house payment whether he has a job or not.  I do that now.  Well, as long as I have a job.

P.S. I have given myself a challenge to write something everyday during the month of June.