gay

August 4, 2023

Panicworks

It’s late and I can’t stop thinking. My body has decided to go through “anxiety drills” and I keep having short and intense panic attacks. I wish I could say that I don’t know where they’re coming from but I do.

My husband has drastically declined these last couple months; ever since he got the feeding tube. We had gotten it as a precautionary thing but it just feels like we hit the gas on his ALS.

We had a big family trip to Las Vegas planned for the 18th. However my husband canceled those plans tonight because he doesn’t think he can physically do it. I don’t blame him. His speech and breathing have gotten bad just these last few days. At times I can barely understand what he’s saying. (It’s like my mother’s Alzheimer’s all over again.)

Just a couple weeks ago we were having a preemptive conversation about him maybe getting a breathing tube (trach). During this he was leaning towards doing it, but after his doctors appointment he has decided not to get one. If he were to do that it would require (literal) 24/7 care. The brother husband and I would need to take classes for his care. My husband wouldn’t be released from the hospital unless they felt that we were competent enough to handle it.

My husband already feels like a burden as it is, so once they told us this I already knew his answer without having to ask.

I’m not ready to lose my husband. I’ve known that the ultimate day was just over the horizon, but even with all the preparation it still destroys me. I can’t imagine a life without him present. Without his impish smile when he does something sinister. Without his advice, his words. He is the ultimate “Josh Whisperer.” (That’s me by the way. I’m josh.)

I just have to keep reminding myself that we’re not there yet. It hasn’t happened.

July 3, 2023

Fucking Over It.

It’s fairly certain, at least to me, that homophobia is drastically on the rise. The rhetoric surrounding our culture has once again looped us into being pedophiles (as opposed to their religious leaders and coaches who have been caught multiple times) and it’s genuinely scaring me. Having my little scrape within my own bubble popped me out of my delusion.

I will be the first to admit that as far as homophobia goes I haven’t really had anything done directly to me. Sure, when I was a kid they were the ones to tell me I was a faggot (before I even knew what it was) but since then it’s been relatively mild. Just the “political” stuff. Oh, and my mother disowning me and treating me and my husband rudely.

Other than that I haven’t come across anything “scary,” for lack of a better term.

As noted in my previous posts, that is no longer the case. Now I am hyper-focused on every little piece of news that references our community. What I have seen is quite chilling.

Now I don’t want to be the one screaming “the sky is falling!” when it’s not but… The sky is fucking falling bitches. Hopefully I’m wrong but, it is what it is.

I think the thing about the whole situation is that all these fucks are “so concerned about the kids” but choose to ignore the deep cuts to school funding, climate change is rearing it’s ugly head, and statistically the number one killer of children is guns. Do they bother to focus on of those issues “for the children?” Nah. It’s drag queens. Drag queens and gays are the issue here.

So, to make sure I don’t lose my mind completely I have been actively working on the subtle art of “not giving a fuck.” Haven’t read the book yet, but I am trying to accept the things I cannot change. Which is basically everything in my life.

June 27, 2023

Old Wounds, New Blood

It’s amazing how one never really gets over childhood trauma. One could spend copious amounts of time in therapy and working through it and it still finds a way to rear its ugly head.

The weekend after my first workplace “bullying” I kept complaining about it. Growing angrier as I recounted the story and even more anxious as it ruminated in my unending thoughts.

Then during a blur of verbal vomit I spat out the nugget of truth. I was hurt that once again, after I believed someone was my friend they betrayed me.

When I was a kid, and even still, I was so desperate for friends that I gave too much of myself. I’d do things for them, but then things, and tell them my deepest darkest secrets all in an effort to forge some kind of friendship. The problem with that kind of behavior is you tend to attract a lot of unscrupulous people. Which I did.

I was burnt and betrayed many times over my youth that I put up really high walls and a prize winning RBF that I continue to wear to this moment. It was a way of warding people away from me. And even though I was short I was broad as a preteen. (Aka I was a fatty.) Coupled with the mean mug I was thoroughly unapproachable.

This whole incident shoved me right back there, where I feel like an idiot and never want to feel that way again.

June 16, 2023

A Snowball Straight to Hell

Dude… the world is going to shit. I am astounded at the depths the Republican Party will sink in their quest to… what? I have no idea what the end goal is. I don’t understand. Are they sowing hate and division because they’re actively trying to start a civil war? Have they been corrupted by and actively working for a foreign power? Or is it that their platform has nothing to offer the everyday person that they get them riled up about shit that doesn’t concern them? Whatever the reason it’s finally reached me in my personal life.

It started as an innocent question. One of my co-workers, who knows I boycott hate-chicken, asked me if I was going to stop going to Starbucks because of their new policy that the stores must remove pride decorations effective immediately. I just groaned and said, “I don’t know.” As I took a sip from my iced mocha from the bucks.

From there it quickly devolved into a tirade by him that I would respond with (or attempt to) a different perspective. He was hitting all the same Fox News misinformation talking points. One that stuck out to me was he reiterated this bs point my niece had said to me about a little kids “tucking bathing suits.” Like it did the first time I had heard it, I immediately thought “that is bullshit.” But I won’t speak on something unless I know for a doubt. And I can’t even remember the last time I went into a Target store. So I answered with “if that’s true then just don’t buy it.” Then he gave me some ridiculous thing “about the kids.” Which is funny to me because this the same guy who made a point to showcase his NRA hat in the office parking lot so I would see it, (this was after I had made some comment, to my husband on the phone, by the way) and has no problem with “the little guys” getting murdered at school. So. Spare me the bullshit about “the kids.” Literally, the number one killer of kids in this country is guns.

This conversation escalated to a point where he made a “veiled threat” that I “didn’t want to make him mad.” That’s when I freaked out. Okay. That’s the end of it. And I shut down. However he clearly had an ax to grind and wanted to use it, so he kept going.

The second half of the conversation was him telling me what I have experienced in life. Like, how I didn’t know I was gay when I was a kid. One, I did. But two, the other kids who teased and bullied me, they called me faggot and gay way before I even knew. I VIVIDLY remember the moment I asked my mom what gay was. She explained it to me. I sat quiet for a moment and then said “maybe I am.” This was at 7 fucking years old. Her negative overreaction made me backpedal so fast, I should have gotten whiplash.

This argument crescendoed into him angrily asking me if I had ever been bullied. This was after I tried to answer all of his “questions,” yet he didn’t want to hear them. He just wanted to rant.

Finally he let me answer and I told him, “honestly, dude, I feel bullied right now.”

This dude exploded. He stormed through the office, slamming drawers and the front door, shouting. For the life of me I don’t remember what he said because I just wanted this to be over with. I am NOT a confrontational person. I like to think I am but I am ultimately a coward.

He left and I was dumbfounded. Never in my 20 years of employment had I ever experienced anything like that. Ever. Yeah I knew that there were people who didn’t like me. Sure. But never had I been subjected to this. It was unhinged.

I wasn’t going to say anything to my “boss.” If he asked where he was I would just say “give him a call.” I wanted him to explain it.

Up until yesterday I genuinely thought we were buds. He had until then been super sweet and this behavior was super uncharacteristic of what I had seen. So I can only draw two conclusions, he was riled up about some bullshit these people are peddling to rile up “the base” or he is bipolar. And I want to immediately state there is nothing wrong with that. At all. I am not shaming him. It’s just now I know.

He returned, calmer headed, and I immediately apologized. I should have stopped it after the first half by saying “hey we’re both heated, let’s not talk about this anymore.” But I didn’t. I instead chose to make this a “learning moment” because I stupidly thought I could offer my friend a different perspective. He just didn’t want one.

At the end of the day he had apologized to me twice. Once after I had and the other before he left, slapping me on the back.

I am just at a loss. I’m super depressed. The office used to be my one safe place. My one “haven” where I had some control. That’s all gone. I’m shutting up and shutting down. Work will just be me clickety-clacketing away while I listen to music or podcasts.

After I had apologized he had the nerve to say “well I don’t want this to stop you from talking about your life.” Oh, you mean my life that is “political?” Sure, jan.

My favorite part was, “I have gay friends.” No you fucking don’t, bitch. You have stand-ins, props. Either that or you have the faggots that try so hard to please their heterosexual counterparts to “fit in.” They thrive on your approval. I on the other hand do not give a shit. I learned at a very young age that my peers approval was temporary and situational.

My boss spoke with me and him. He said to keep “politics” and religion out of the office. You got it, boss! You can count on me.