work in progress

July 16, 2024

Saga Of A Completed Manuscript

I’m sure most, if not all, have gotten tired of reading the phrase/sentiment “I miss my husband” in almost every one of my posts since his passing. At least, I would be if I were on the other end. But I’m also a heartless dick. If you are not exhausted with it, continue on.

On Friday I finished editing my novel. THE novel I have been editing and honing into a polished gem ever since I completed my first draft on my husband’s birthday in 2009. For those of you who can’t do some quick math, that is nearly 15 years working on this bitch. I have started and stopped countless times, either because life got in the way or I got in my way. The only credit I can lend to these individual endeavors is that whenever I would pick it back up, with all the enthusiasm of a teen girl at her fave artists concert, I would start in a new place. The logic being that maybe working on another piece wouldn’t wear me out or overwhelm me as it had before. Ultimately I would give up all over again from the aforementioned reasons.

At one point around 2012-2014 I decided that I was going to give up on being a writer. After each failure it wore away at my self-esteem to the point that this remained the only logical step. In addition it was just destroying my self-worth. Because I wasn’t hitting this high bar I set for myself, I thought that I was less than trash. To stop it, I gave up on that dream. I couldn’t get my shit together. Every time I tried, I failed.

Yet time does wonderful things for my ADHD brain. I tend to forget. Granted, I didn’t forget that I had given up on my desire to be a published author, I just decided that if I were to write it would be for me. To have fun! Which I did. I would enter the NYC Midnight contests for short stories or their flash fiction challenges. These little exercises tested my abilities and showed me that I may not be “THE BEST” I was still good. Published good? Maybe not. But I still had the talent.

For whatever reason I returned to my work in progress (WIP) a few years ago, right around when Charlie was diagnosed. I don’t remember the reason. All I know is that while on a road trip with my polycule I forced them to listen to my WIP. As my bf and I took turns reading it, I was astounded how much of it was already complete. Had I really done that much, I kept asking myself. Clearly I had. It was all there in black and white. Just a few short minutes before we got home I finished reading it to them. I felt this sense of pride. It was good. There were still inconsistencies and a couple chapters that needed a lot of work, but overall it was nearly there. I could see the finish line, however fuzzy it may have been.

When we finally got home, my husband said the one thing that, out of all of our wonderful memories of us together, this one shined the brightest. My husband looked up at me and said “Your story is really good, dear.” It came from nowhere, unprompted, and nearly knocked me off my feet. I said “Thank you” not sure if he was being nice for nice sake (he was DYING afterall…) and he reaffirmed “I mean that. You need to finish it.”

On July 12th, 2024 (12/7 the reverse of when I finished my first draft on 7/12) I finally finished editing my manuscript. I was stunned. I couldn’t believe it. I was elated and in disbelief simultaneously. I have dedicated so much of my identity into this ONE story that it was weird that it no longer existed in it’s original form. Immediately I wanted to call and tell my husband. Then… it all set in. Instead I told my BF and then my brother-husband. They were proud of me, but it didn’t fill the void I craved. So, I shared it on all my socials to lackluster response. My own high expectations ruining it of course.

To “celebrate” my achievement, I decided to leave work early and pick up my pre-orders from the Star Wars Unlimited TCG. On my way… I hit my husbands speed-dial on my car and called him. His familiar voice answered and I immediately cried. The line beeped and I barely got out “Hey punkin, I finished editing my book.” I was a mess the entire way to the store. Thank Taylor that it’s so hot, at least that gave some excuse to why my face was wet and red.

Now, I am left with the next step: writing a query letter. It’s terrifying and exhilarating all at once.

At family dinner on Sunday, I told my in-laws and they asked what was next. I told them the auto response (as shown above) and then told them my dream scenario. I said, that if I did magically get it published I would want, more than anything, a blurb on it with my husbands quote. “It’s really good, dear.”

June 27, 2024

Renewed-Reinvigorated Revisions

It occurred to me the other day why, in the previous attempts to edit my novel, why I would stop at (around) the same place every time. I had assumed it was because of the monumental task of working out the logistics of one of my bigger plot twists. Yet, in one of my pursuits over the last 14 years I HAD gotten them squared. So, that was no longer a factor. Now I was just left with writing the chapters. For wanting to be a writer and loving it when I do in fact write, I certainly was terrified of that undertaking.

It is here where I thought was the crux of my problem. The resolution, obviously, being that I just needed to push forward and put thoughts to words. Simple enough, right?

This time I have done just that. In doing so, I have found myself becoming so invested in the process of writing that the time has literally slipped away from me. It’s been truly incredible. It’s as though I picked up “the writer me” I left in high school.

Feeling so energized, I have started looking to the future when it’s completed. How will I go about putting this into the world?

Here is where I discovered the true culprit of my fears rested. The fear that caused me to cease any effort into editing my manuscript.

The other night I was bored and wanted to watch some television. However there is a drought in original content so instead I scrolled over to YouTube and looked up “how to write a query letter.” Listening to these young ladies talk about the process caused me so much anxiety. I have no clue how to boil my plot down into four measly sentences. Overcome with immense dread, I stopped midway through the second tutorial.

The next day I had the hardest time committing my attention to writing. Instead I actually worked, can you imagine such a thing?! I could feel myself slipping away from my project. Like every time before.

I took the day to relax and that evening was recounting these same details to my brother (formerly brother-husband).

“I’m at the point in my book when I give up,” I had said.

In a moment of pure inspiration it dawned on me. Every prior effort, I was so enthusiastic about my progress I would start looking ahead to when it’s completed and ready to find an agent. The process of which I find absolutely daunting and truly terrifying. Like most people, I don’t handle rejection very well. And in that journey I have to remain strong in the face of potential repeated rejections until I get a yes. With that impending fear marinating in my brain, I stop myself. I stop writing entirely. Instead I resign myself to “wanting” to be a writer instead. Scratching the itch, periodically, with my online blogging.

With this crystal clear, it finally occurred to me that I need to not do that at all. (I mean… really.) At least, not while I am deep in the midst of such a monumental undertaking. Or… what has become my mantra through all things husband related “We’re not there yet.”

What bothers me is that took me so long to understand. How had I been so blind before? I guess I was weaker then, and gave in too easily to my fears.

Then the second piece of knowledge came to me: this time IS genuinely different.

After I had forced my polycule to endure my rough draft on a road trip to Salt Lake City (don’t ask), my husband told me, “Your story is really good, Dear.”

This was one of the only compliments he had ever given me. Not because he didn’t believe I was a good writer, but that this was the first time he had ever actually experienced my novel. Sure he had read everyone of my blogs, and had listened to my short story competition entries… But this had been something I had tried time and time again to do but failed because I didn’t believe in it or myself. His compliment, as small as it was in the moment, has meant so much to me now.

Whenever I begin to doubt myself I just repeat that moment in my mind. I’m once again renewed and I keep going.

When I become discouraged by the time this has taken me to edit, the years wasted, I tell myself that a lot of what is in the book now (that was never in the original draft) only came about because of my experiences over these lived experiences.

March 22, 2022

The Soundtrack of My Life – 10 – Cosmic Love

Today is going to be a gauntlet. I am now two weeks behind and I don’t want to give up on my goal. So, I shall attempt at writing the last two weeks and get a jump on the third. Let’s see if I can actually do it without losing my ambition. (Spoiler alert: I probably will.)

It finally happened, I came across a soundtrack that does not exist in Spotify. I was going to choose the musical score from “The Horse Whisperer” by Thomas Newman, but all they had available were these cheap covers (of a single song) that sounded as though someone had composed them from a computer program. They lacked the enchantment that comes with the live recording. So… that plan has been scrapped. Instead I chose “Cosmic Love” by Florence + the Machine.

I first heard this beauty in a TV spot for the film “Like Water for Elephants.” I was immediately captivated by it. And, good song choice by the one who edited the trailer, because it drew me to watch the movie. However that was the only good thing about the film.

I don’t know what it is about a song with a heavy percussion, but it just fills me with this intense joy. In this particular ballad it’s amazing because the lyrics tell of a star-crossed love, and the drums are reminiscent of a heart racing from the very thought. It also gives this mythic/fairy-tale/other-worldly vibe that I felt ironically captured the essence of my novel.

I don’t know if other writers do this, but I have a “soundtrack” of songs that fit into the frame/theme of my novel. The story told in “Cosmic Love” accompanies my narrative in this coincidental symmetry.

I wrote my first novel length work of fiction in 2009 during my first ever NaNoWriMo. Since then I have attempted to edit the fuck out of it. Every now and then I get a second wind and start the process all over. I get about halfway through and start to believe the inner voice that “I am shit at writing” and then I stop. And the number of times this has happened with this particular work in progress is uncountable.

The thought of giving up has crossed my mind many times, but I just love the story. I have it plotted out for a series of four books. The second has already been written, but I haven’t even touched that one since I began editing the first. I wanted to polish this bad boy up to a glimmering shine before I dove into it’s sequel. Which is good, because since I completed the second book the tone and overall narrative of the story has changed. For the better, I hope.

During one of my bouts of renewed vigor for editing, I got this wild itch to drive from the Central Valley of California to Salt Lake City. No idea why. The urge struck and I answered the call. My little polycule piled into the car and we drove straight through.

With this captive audience I had the boys listen to my story.

What I learned is that I am very proud of my tale. I also discovered that because of my constant restarting my front half is very well completed but the back half is lacking the glimmer of the first. Overall the story is tight and I need to stop being such a bitch about it. At this point I have to write out two full chapters and continue threads I started in the first half.

The other event that occurred during our Literary Adventure was my husband bestowing a compliment upon me. One I will never forget. He told me I was a good writer. Now… he either said this because he’s dying and he has nothing left to lose, or he said it because it is how he genuinely feels. Knowing my husband… he doesn’t dole out positive feedback unless he genuinely believes it. Hearing that made me sublimely happy.

However… What fuel I received from that trip was wasted. Life once again became overwhelming and I lost my passion. It’s much of what happened with this year long endeavor. Everything just becomes a little too much at times. Even if it is a small inconvenience. Trying to accomplish a task that isn’t absolutely necessary falls to the wayside.