So it appears the husband and I are going through moments of transition when it comes to where we are in life. For once both of us are content with each other and our family goals appear to almost be in sync. So I have no complaints there. It’s just him trying to decide where to go with a career. He wants to take on the world and cannot decide what precisely he wants to do. It’s feels odd me saying that. I am the king of not making decisions. Although, it seems recently I’m nothing but doing precisely that. I now know where I want to go in terms of education, what schools I need to attend to reach it, and what my ultimate career is. On top of that I’m working on my book to get that bitch published. The clarity is amazing. I just wish my husband could find it too.
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This is Basically Me Standing on a Corner With a Sandwich Board…
For all intents and purposes this is a venting post over the most ridiculous of topics. I hear and comprehend how crazy I sound. I do. But I need to put them out into the universe so that they no longer exist in my head. I mean, isn’t that what a blog is for?
For the past year I have been up Microsoft’s ass. Pretty much since I invested in their stock. I switched my ipad to a surface, I exclusively use bing (even though honestly I think Google is better. Their maps especially.), and the past couple months I’ve been wanting to switch to a windows phone. Needless to say I have been obsessed.
I finally got the chance to get a windows phone, the nokia 1520. I have had it for the past week and I like it but I’m not certain that I want to keep the phone. I’m pretty comfortable with the iPhone and I’m pretty deep in their ecosystem. So it’s a big deal if I switch. The phone and software has a few things I love (answering texts while driving over my Bluetooth is aMAHzing.) but I’m not sure I want to switch. So I have been fighting to make a decision. Do I go with the windows phone since I’m all about Microsoft or stick with what I know and am comfortable with?
Not only have I been contemplating my switch, almost a year ago I switched exclusively to Bing search engine. For my job I have to do a number of searches daily. And when Bing offers you redeemable points for every search you do why wouldn’t I? Up until a couple days ago I had accrued almost 700 points. I was going for a month free of xbox live. I love my xbox but I rarely, if ever, use it and getting a month of live would honestly be kind of pointless. So instead of redeeming them for that I thought I would sit on them and when they offered up a contest for a free nokia phone or surface I would enter. Then enters the 4G Surface into the picture.
They have an option to redeem 40 points (35 if you have a gold account, which I DID) for 10 entries for a chance to win a surface. So seeing as how I had 700 points (approximately 20 purchases, equating to 200 entries in the contest) I seized the opportunity. The first day they went in fine. The second… with a little hiccup at the end, but the third day… Well my points went down to zero. My account was no longer linked with bing. What the heck was going on?
I contacted customer service and inquired to the change. And as it turns out my account was terminated for violating one of their terms of service. I reviewed the 6 noted and the only one I could be accused of was having a “bot” enter me into the contest.
A bot is program that runs on your computer clicking links over and over again. How I know this is an option is because I have a friend, Aaron Ranney, (if anyone doubts me with the “friend” excuse) that does this precise thing and has explained to me and my other friends in length at our Wednesday night dungeion and dragons game. (yeah, I’m nerd. I get it.)
I am furious, irrationally so, at my termination. Not only did I lose my points and my chance at winning a surface (which in reality, who’s gonna fucking bot to win a surface. Seriously, good try Microsoft. But you’re late to the game) but I was accused of cheating. I don’t cheat! I HATE cheating. I don’t see the point and it destroys my image.
Because of this whole debacle I made the decision to just go back to my iphone and to ditch my Microsoft stock. I feel ridiculous now. Fuck that company.
My mental hampsters have been hitting the pipe
I want to write but I don’t know what about. I have the beginnings of some thoughts but nothing that could or would warrant an entire blog entry. Maybe a tweet, a pathetic tweet, but something that doesn’t require any further explanation. I’m curious if it has to do with the run I went on this evening.
My husband and I have been doing weight watchers for a year and half. The first year we made good progress. We were more active then and really took into consideration what we ate. But then our trip to London rolled around and that’s when it all started to go down hill. I think after London, thanksgiving, and Christmas I ended up gaining back 20 lbs of the 30 I had lost. It was soul crushing. I suppose one could say that it’s not really that I gained the weight back but how I handled it. Both my husband and I got right back on the program.
He’s obsessed with numbers. He wants large numbers and massive amounts of progress. Basically he’s impatient. He wants the results now, not a year or so down the line. He has a way of discounting any milestones he makes. For instance, tonight he lost 5 lbs in one week. That’s amazing. But instead of just accepting it and his accomplishment he has to pick it apart and figure out what’s wrong with him. Just take the damn thing, Charles. Jesus. The man is frustrating.
It should be noted that he is now the weight I was when we started. And by started I mean the year and a half ago. Not when we actively restarted. Since that time I have successfully lost the 11 I had regained. Much like my husband I’m not really happy with my progress as of late, but that’s not the programs fault. Every miniscule weight loss or pound gained is my own doing. I just haven’t been working it as hard as I could and should have. To put it plainly i’m fucking lazy.
Knowing that my husband is only 26 lbs away from me has lit a fire under my ass. Well… sort of. It’s a weird thing to have in my mind but I feel that it’s mandatory for me to weigh less than him. He’s never stated that’s what he wants but that’s just how I feel. I think it has to do with my self esteem issues. I think that if he weighs less than me he’ll find someone and ditch me, because I weigh more than him. It’s a silly thing to think, especially since we’re married, but it’s a fear none-the-less.
I believe part of his big numbers from this weeks weigh in is due in part to his not touching his allocated 49 weekly points AND going for a a jog two nights last week. I know that doesn’t seem like very much, but when you take into consideration that he and I tend to live a very, VERY, sedentary life it becomes more of an accomplishment. Also, I’m very proud of him for doing it without me. (I was playing D&D with my friends, so I have an excuse. Don’t judge.)
Envious of his accomplishments I downloaded the same app he used last week. It’s called C25K or couch to 5k. Basically it’s a program laid out that gets someone, who tends to sit mostly on the couch, to have the ability to run a 5k in 30 days or some amount of time. (I’m not selling the damn thing.) And If my husband can do all rounds of running then I sure as shit can. So tonight I went for a run and I think that’s why I feel so inclined to write. I’m just too pumped. Well, that and I was listening to the Erin Brockovich soundtrack by Thomas Newman. I don’t know what it is about his music…
I hope that this week I can stick to the program. I too had had the intentions of not dipping into my weeklies but I tossed that baby out with the bathwater. It just wasn’t going to work. Even more so due to the fact that I have a tendency of eating my emotions away. And for the third attempt with mood stabilizers I have come to the same result, I’m an emotional nut case.
Goodnight.
By the Power of Meds I Command You, Begone Insanity!
I expect entirely too much out people. I know it. I’m owning it. But regardless of how self-aware I am about this character flaw it still doesn’t change anything. Basically at this point all I can do is just create a mantra of ‘it doesn’t matter.’ Although, no matter how many times I may or may not say it I won’t believe it. Especially now, as I have reached a peak I did not want to climb with my mood stabilizers.
I have arrived after three rounds of different brands of mood stabilizers that I really don’t need that type of medication. I guess I am just a strange human being that is, as my husband puts it, “easily excitable.” The first round made me super irritable and I hated people and life with a passion that made no sense. So we moved onto the next. That one made me apathetic and I cared nothing for anyone. Thus, we moved onto the third. This one, only halfway into the recommended dosage, I am irrationally cantankerous. I find myself getting angry about and over the slightest of things. To give you an idea of the breadth of my insanity: my friend invites another gay to lunch. My friend’s boyfriend (my self-professed blatant lover) plays OUR card game with someone else right in front of me. At the base of these tsunami of emotions I know, KNOW, that I am being irrational, but even with that understanding it does not dispel any of the emotions. And at the base of these thoughts, lies my high expectations from people.
After three trials, I have concluded that I just do not need them. Maybe I do in reality, but after these failed attempts it just doesn’t seem possible to quell my shifting moods. Instead, it seems to roil that constant storm even more than usual. So, I’ll pass on any further suggestions from my doctor; unless he offers anti-anxiety pills. Those I am all over.
So now instead of getting angry I can go back to burying my emotions and hurt deep down. And maybe then I can lower my expectations and not care. Because in an un-medicated state my brain is far more acceptable to suggestion. And maybe, JUST MAYBE, I can find peace in not caring.
The Journal of a Jaded Josh 