This morning the moment of truth arrived and before I clocked in to begin my day I marched into my bosses office and informed him that in two weeks time I was leaving. You know what his only response was, “I wasn’t expecting that.” All weekend I fretted over the possibility of him making me an offer to stay and how I was going to make my choice from there. He didn’t offer a goddamn thing. Not a one. Which in reality makes it that much easier to walk away. What annoys me, and quite frankly is insulting, is that he just didn’t seem to give a shit. I have spent the past 9 years of my life growing ulsers in my stomach from the stress I’ve endured from that office and not even a weak attempt to raise my pay. 

What I am getting though is a going away lunch from Panera (my choice.) So, at LEAST there’s that. 

I hate letting someone down. I know no one does, I think. There may be some psychos out there with no emotional fear of disappointing but that is certainly not me. Tomorrow it will have to be. 

I was approached by one of my former bosses (I have/had several) and he offered me a job at his firm. At first I had no intention of leaving yet I met with him anyway. After an hour of complimenting me (flattery gets one anywhere with me) I broke down and couldn’t wait to hear what he would offer me to come and join his company. While the hourly rate isn’t what I had expected or wanted I still agreed. I had virtually accepted it when I packed up my desk on Friday evening before I left for the day. 

Monday morning I will give my main boss, my two week notice. I couldn’t be more terrified. My mind has concocted certain scenarios that may play out when I inform him of my decision and not one of them doesn’t involve me crying. Pathetic, right? My biggest worry is that he’ll make me an offer I can’t refuse in an effort to stop me from going to his newly dubbed rival. He has thus far done it twice. (Which makes me worried I am just a pawn in both of their chess game of revenge.) If for some reason he does try to keep me on staff with some over the top promises I don’t know what I will do. Like I said, I’ve already packed up my shit. 

In the end, I know I have to stick to my guns and tell him no. I don’t want to stay at that office anymore. I constantly feel as if i am some kind of joke. In addition I HATE the way the women in the office talk to me as if I am some kind of idiot. It is these things that give me absolute cause to leave. It destroys my ego and I can’t handle it any longer. Yet, by leaving I feel like I am letting down the person who has put up with all of my bull shit over the years. That breaks my heart. 

Ultimately I know he doesn’t give a shit about me. Truly. If he makes any effort to keep me on staff I know it’s because he doesn’t want to lose to my future boss. It has nothing to do with any potential he may see in me. I get the feeling he sees me as a joke just like those other bitches, which is why he hadn’t taken my desire to be a residential appraiser seriously. Which is also my own fault. I want a fresh start with someone who trusts me and sees me as a member of the team and not just a minion. 

In the end someone will be let down, with whatever decision is ultimately made. It just depends on who gets the most scorned, but I have to remember me and my own happiness and growth are the most important. 

I attended my second meeting where they were meant to make me an offer I couldn’t refuse.  While it was alright, I’m not happy with the amount of money suggested. Although I have every intention to counter with another amount slightly higher. 

The thing that struck me the strangest at this meeting was this omen sitting in the corner of Starbucks. It was a physical representation of my very youth. This chubby kid sat in the corner of the coffee chain, with earbuds firmly placed in his ears, playing on a 3DS that barely covered up a Star Wars shirt. There was no doubt in my mind that this kid was “me.”

I stand on the edge of my twenties. Below me is the next platue, just as long, of my 30’s. In only a few months I will lose the monicker of a young twenty year old and be an adult. And on this Saturday afternoon I meet with a potential employer to discuss me coming to work for him. 

The poacher is a former boss of mine. At my current job, by definition, I am the bottom rung of the totem pole. Everyone and everything is above me, I think the printer has told me what to do a few times. It is unfortunate but it comes with the job. This man was once one of them. After a few shady deals on my current bosses part and some requests not well met by the potential manager, he left. Since then he has started his own business which is doing quite well. So much to the point that he needs another appraiser to come on and carry some of the burden. That person may potentially be me. 

At the end of the interview he left and I got up to leave as well, along with the child. Before this kid could get in the way I made sure I hurried after my opportunity. 

In my heart I have already chosen my new path over the worn one. But that’s because my current employer has no intention of letting me move up. I was hired for “support” and nothing else will move on from there. Ultimately though my reason for leaving is a chance to start fresh, to get away from the negativity and burdens that accompany this office. It is a prison of my own design, but my current bevy of bosses will never trust me. Like I said, it is all my own fault. 

This opportunity for the Phoenix within to rise from the ashes anew and to achieve something I know I am capable of reaching. My only proviso is that I get $2 more. Let’s see if he can or will swing at my pitch. 

Stress has befallen my house. The good kind, luckily. New opportunities have presented themselves and I am struggling with myself to find the right course of action. Unfortunately the full breadth of my upcoming life shift has not been revealed. Instead I base my anxiety and confusion on possibility. 

I hate speaking in riddles. More often than not I am an open book and share with the world my hopes and fears. Keeping what ails me to myself is an agony I am not comfortable with feeling. I’m sharer. So sue me. I can say it has nothing to do with my husbands and my relationship. But it does affect all other aspects of our life. 

The waiting is the hardest part. In the limbo my mind concocts every possible scenario. Then I hypothetically make a decision and fret over it as if it was an actual choice that had real world consequences. It’s ridiculous, yes, but I am certain I am not alone. In fact my husband does the same thing. 

He quoted my own words to me “it’s out of your hands. There is nothing you can do, so stop worrying.” Dammit, I’m wise. And damn him for listening and repeating. He doesn’t ever accept that as an answer! 

The most difficult part is making the right decision. No one ever knows. We do what we will with the information we have, but nothing in life is a guarantee win. 

I apologize for being so vague but it was part of the agreement. I’m certain even this post is entirely too much. Everything will be revealed in due time. I just had to get this off my chest, or at least switch which tit this news is crushing.