November 21, 2014

My Cheeks are Burning

I said it a prior post, but for some reason since my trip from London (listen to me, “since” it’s been 4 days) I’ve felt very different.  I don’t know what it is, but I want my life to be different.  I in particular want to be someone else.

When I sit down to define exactly what that is I come up with only a couple items.  For one, I want to be thinner.  Although, the way I’ve been eating the past few days you wouldn’t know that.  I don’t understand the root of my sudden ravenousness, but regardless it needs to stop.  The second is, I want to be published.  This one in particular isn’t as cut and dry.  It takes preparation and planning.  It takes fucking dedication, which as of late hasn’t really been me.  I will find every excuse in the book not to sit down and write.  My reasons get worse when I read my novel and see how much work it needs.  But, even as I say that I don’t even know if that’s a true statement.  For all I know I am building it up in my head to be worse than it is, thus giving me a reason not to do it.  “There is just so much to do.”

I recently purchased Amy Poehler’s novel “Yes Please” in audiobook and have been listening to it.  Just in the preface her words spoke to me like none others I have ever read or heard before.  She talked about how difficult writing is and equated the process to pregnancy.  Her words were much more eloquent whereas mine are not.

I need to stop making excuses.  The only way the thing is going to get done is if I do it.  I just need to write a little bit everyday and before I know it, it’ll be finished.

I want to be a different person.  I want to change everything about me.  I want to burst into flame and arise from the ashes anew.  I can feel my cheeks flushing.

November 18, 2014

Jet lag misery

For some reason I value friendships with more value than family. I think it’s because that friends choose to be in your life whereas family is stuck with you whether they like you or not. It could also be because I’ve never felt as though I belonged in my family. Although I’m beginning to think everyone feels that way, or at least in my family. We’re just a herd of black sheep.

One of my biggest problems growing up is when I make friends I want them to get to know my other friends so we can all be one big groups of companions. What inevitably ends up happening is that these two friends will find themselves way more compatible without me there and they end up doing things without me. It’s happened countless times over my life and it makes me overly cautious. Yet even still I introduce my friends and the same thing occurs. I just never learn.

My husband thinks that how I’m reacting to the current friends doing the same is somehow proof that I care more about them than him, and it’s just not the case. And I wish there was a way I could convey that, but even when I explain my reasoning it doesn’t sink in.

What’s amazing is I found someone with just as little self esteem as myself. And one would think that would mean I would immediately know how to tread these waters, but I don’t.

In the end all I can think is that these friends will do what all the others have done. I guess my husband is right, I expect entirely too much from people. I need to lower the bar to a point where maybe rainwater can get in. Otherwise the only person’s opinion that matters is my husbands. I don’t want him to get hurt…

I get so wrapped up in my own emotions that I forget that another person requires love and affection. God, I’m so selfish sometimes.

November 18, 2014

Night time epiphany

So I have returned from the most fantastic two weeks in London and I feel I have returned a different man. I can’t quite put my finger on it but I feel unlike the boy that had gone. Maybe it’s because while I was there I got another year older or possibly I just changed.

For the first time in a long while I feel that I have once again come to my path of destiny. It is calling me and I must heed it’s song. When I say this I mean my want and desire to be a published writer. During the course of my trip I took a sojourn to the grave site of my hero and since then I feel that I have gained something very significant. Again, I don’t quite know what it is yet but I can feel it in my heart.

I am not meant for this town. I am not meant for this mundane existence of work. I know that I have something far greater waiting in the wings. The only thing is I have to seize it. Just saying these things will not achieve them. I have to work for them. I have to be confident in myself and what I can do.

By this time next year I will be done with my book. I know I will.

November 14, 2014

I’m so sick of hearing/reading “it’s against my religious beliefs.” Fuck you.

I’m broken. I know I am. I have this absolute need to be completely accepted and loved/liked by everyone. The thing I know but have yet to grasp is that will not under any circumstance happen. It’s impossible. And whether they like me or not does not guarantee I will like them in return and I probably won’t. (Just kidding.)(maybe)

I bring this up cause last weeks topic for my Human Sexuality class was about the LGBT community. And per usual we were required to have a “discussion” on the weeks topic, which consists of listing the required media and our personal views on the topic. Let’s just say the posts were… Uh… Well, they were colorful. They brought up a time in my life that made me more miserable than I care to mention. But it was because of my undying need to be loved and accepted by everyone.

I broke down and responded to one of the hate filled posts. I know I shouldn’t have but… Fuck it was like someone punched me in the gut it was just so hateful! It’s amazing how behind a keyboard and people can and will say anything. I find it impossible to believe that these same people would have made these comments in an actual classroom. In fact I think they would have said nothing. You know why? They’d be embarrassed because in some corner of themselves they know they’re full of shit and an all around terrible person.