writing

April 29, 2014

My mental hampsters have been hitting the pipe

I want to write but I don’t know what about.  I have the beginnings of some thoughts but nothing that could or would warrant an entire blog entry.  Maybe a tweet, a pathetic tweet, but something that doesn’t require any further explanation.  I’m curious if it has to do with the run I went on this evening.

My husband and I have been doing weight watchers for a year and half.  The first year we made good progress.  We were more active then and really took into consideration what we ate.  But then our trip to London rolled around and that’s when it all started to go down hill.  I think after London, thanksgiving, and Christmas I ended up gaining back 20 lbs of the 30 I had lost.  It was soul crushing.  I suppose one could say that it’s not really that I gained the weight back but how I handled it.  Both my husband and I got right back on the program. 

He’s obsessed with numbers.  He wants large numbers and massive amounts of progress.  Basically he’s impatient.  He wants the results now, not a year or so down the line.  He has a way of discounting any milestones he makes.  For instance, tonight he lost 5 lbs in one week.  That’s amazing.  But instead of just accepting it and his accomplishment he has to pick it apart and figure out what’s wrong with him.  Just take the damn thing, Charles. Jesus.  The man is frustrating.

It should be noted that he is now the weight I was when we started.  And by started I mean the year and a half ago.  Not when we actively restarted.  Since that time I have successfully lost the 11 I had regained.  Much like my husband I’m not really happy with my progress as of late, but that’s not the programs fault.  Every miniscule weight loss or pound gained is my own doing.  I just haven’t been working it as hard as I could and should have. To put it plainly i’m fucking lazy.

Knowing that my husband is only 26 lbs away from me has lit a fire under my ass.  Well… sort of.  It’s a weird thing to have in my mind but I feel that it’s mandatory for me to weigh less than him.  He’s never stated that’s what he wants but that’s just how I feel.  I think it has to do with my self esteem issues.  I think that if he weighs less than me he’ll find someone and ditch me, because I weigh more than him.  It’s a silly thing to think, especially since we’re married, but it’s a fear none-the-less.

I believe part of his big numbers from this weeks weigh in is due in part to his not touching his allocated 49 weekly points AND going for a a jog two nights last week. I know that doesn’t seem like very much, but when you take into consideration that he and I tend to live a very, VERY, sedentary life it becomes more of an accomplishment.  Also, I’m very proud of him for doing it without me.  (I was playing D&D with my friends, so I have an excuse.  Don’t judge.)

Envious of his accomplishments I downloaded the same app he used last week.  It’s called C25K or couch to 5k. Basically it’s a program laid out that gets someone, who tends to sit mostly on the couch, to have the ability to run a 5k in 30 days or some amount of time. (I’m not selling the damn thing.) And If my husband can do all rounds of running then I sure as shit can. So tonight I went for a run and I think that’s why I feel so inclined to write.  I’m just too pumped. Well, that and I was listening to the Erin Brockovich soundtrack by Thomas Newman.  I don’t know what it is about his music…

I hope that this week I can stick to the program.  I too had had the intentions of not dipping into my weeklies but I tossed that baby out with the bathwater.  It just wasn’t going to work.  Even more so due to the fact that I have a tendency of eating my emotions away.  And for the third attempt with mood stabilizers I have come to the same result, I’m an emotional nut case.

Goodnight.

April 12, 2014

My newest bright idea

Never in my life have I ever done any sort of computer programming.  My husband likes to joke that I think I’m a computer tech, IT guy, but I am the furthest thing from it.  Which is very true. I know a few tricks here and there but I pretty much know next to nothing.  So it’s strange that all of a sudden I’ve decided that I want to build an app of a card game.

Back in freshman year of high school I developed this simple easy to play card game.  It took some strategy but in the end it was just for fun and an easy way to pass the time.  For whatever reason it bubbled up back into my mind about a month ago and since then I have been attempting to learn how to type C#.  It hasn’t gotten very far.  Let’s just say that. 

I have everything all laid out in my head it’s just actually executing these (what i’m assuming) hundreds lines of code to bring it into reality.  I haven’t the slightest clue of where to begin (code wise.)  I have downloaded all of the visual studio programs from the Microsoft website but from there… I even thought about taking a class at the local community college but they don’t offer a class on C# nor any real programming language. 

Anyway… I guess as I am learning this complex thing I can work on the other project that coincides with this project.  I decided to add a twist to the game where there is a story mode and depending on the outcome of the game it leads the story into a different branch.  Sort of like a “choose your own adventure” if you will.  

March 27, 2014

Every journey… small step… you know the drill

It’s been three days since I first stated that I would begin working on a chapter at a time on my lunch break, and already I have completed my revisions of chapter one.  Now, that’s not anything amazing because prior to this assignment I had edited the shit out of it.  This is just another once over. 

I took some advice and printed out the entire chapter and began with reading it over and marking my edits.  And though I had my doubts that seeing it on paper would be any different than seeing it on a screen I was proven wrong, and I couldn’t be more thrilled.  It’s almost like I have two very different personalities while looking at a screen and looking at a printed document.  While at a computer I am the writer, splashing my thoughts into text and seeing where my images take me.  But looking at it in black and white on a crisp sheet of paper I was Mr. Critique and approached my project with the same attitude I give to anyone who happens to hand me their work and wants notes.  I was harsh but fair all at the same.

After finishing up with my handy pen work (I have to note that it looked like I took a razor blade to my paper and it was bleeding) I spent my lunch entering my changes. The feeling of accomplishment is truly surprising.  I’ve only finished one chapter, but the fact that I stuck to it and achieved my goal is where my pride resides. 

On to chapter two!

March 25, 2014

Thoughts are buzzards and my brain a carcass

Obsession fuels my every thought.  Any and all action I do comes from the constant nagging at the back of my mind about some topic.  For instance, recently, I have been obsessed on the decision of whether to ditch my iPhone and get the Nokia 1520.  After some repetitive thoughts and madness I have finally concluded that I will move on to the Nokia.  I’ve had the iPhone for so long and I just want a change. 

I used to be a nokia only man.  I had the 3300 back in the day.  You know, the big grey bar thing with the green lit screen?  Yeah, that one.  Fucking loved the thing.  The first time I ever ventured out of the nokia realm was to attempt a go at the Pink Motorolla phone and that lasted about a day before I ditched it altogether.  I may be proud of my gay agenda but I do draw a line.  Plus it didn’t really fit me.  So I returned the phone and back into the arms of my Finish company.  I thought they made a good product.  It wasn’t until the iPhone came along that I dropped nokia and went over to apple.  And I was happy.  Still am as a matter of fact. I don’t see anything wrong with the iPhone.  It does what it’s meant to do. Well.

Besides annoying myself with my own obsessive thoughts I’ve dragged my husband into them also.  He doesn’t quite understand where this obsession stems from, other than the fact that I invested in Microsoft stock and since have been hitching my horse to their wagon; besides that I have come to the conclusion that if I happen to have the Nokia 1520, that comes with office preinstalled, I will have no more excuses to why my novel isn’t finished or even being worked on.  The hubby doesn’t seem to buy it and doesn’t think I’ll use it for that at all.  And he may be right, but then again he may be wrong. 

Speaking of writing, I don’t know if I blogged it here or not (I have so many different sites for expression) but I came up with a new plan of attack for my novel.  Because as I thought of my inactivity and fear I worked backward to see where they stemmed from and discovered it could just be due to the fact that I am overwhelmed with the size of the project.  It’s a huge undertaking.  As of right now my manuscript (untouched of course) stands at a little over 60,000 words.  That’s a lot.  And when I sit to begin editing I think of how huge the document is and panic.  Then I have a nervous breakdown and stop working on it completely.  (No me gusta.)  So I have resolved to work on a single chapter at a time.  I’m not going to worry about what comes after, or what follows in the next 20 chapters.  Oh no.  I am going to work on one at a time to reignite the fire.  And the beauty of my plan is that I have attempted to work on it from the start multiple times and have gotten to the point that the first few chapters are rather smooth going.  (It’ll just be a pain in the later scenes.)

Even though I discovered that brilliant plan it has, of course, languished.  I don’t know what it is but the moment I get home I am EXHAUSTED.  I have next to no motivation (despite my burning desire to be published) and instead watch television or something equally as dumb. So I looked at the problem and attempted to fix it.  My next plan, to benefit the first, is to return to the days of when I spent my lunch hour working on my novel.  I would sit at some corner of the Carl’s Jr. around the corner off my office and perfect my writing.  It was nice to be out of an area that doesn’t offer wi-fi thus decreasing my chances of distractions. Plus, the fast food joint is no real hot-bed of activity so no one goes there.  It works for me and says so much of my personality.  Everyone does the coffee house.  And I find that they’re even more distracting.  The grinding of the coffee, people constantly coming in and out, or the loud conversation.  How anyone writes in a Starbucks or it’s equivalent is beyond me. 

SO! Tomorrow I will be getting up early, to get to work on time, so that I can take a lunch and work on my novel.  I will do this.  I can do this. The only one holding me back is me.   And if that doesn’t work I have my upgrade to the Nokia 1520 to look forward to at the end of April.  And maybe then I’ll stop talking about it and do it.

P.S. how is it that wordpress has an effing blackberry app but not a windows phone app?  I mean… talk about a waste of time… No one uses a blackberry anymore.  Get on it WordPress!